Protecting the Self

John: When looking at the detail of this dream, the only conclusion I can draw is that I need more speed or energy, or I need more light, because with the weight of what’s unfolding I’m barely able to maintain. I’m not able to change anything because the condition is spiraling out of control.

In this dream I start off as a woman working as a waitress in a lodge. It’s family owned and I’m pretending to be part of the family. In other words, I’m a dead ringer for a woman who used to be there and was part of the family. Not even the regular patrons have noticed the difference.

There’s a kind of sadness to this place, i.e., things usually kept neatly are in disarray. For example, the wood in the fireplace is nearly depleted and no one’s able to replenish it. There’s just not enough energy; there’s of a sense of everyone being overburdened.

As a lookalike for the young lady, I’m able to move about freely. The family has become dependent on me because I have more energy while they’re barely coping. I tend to the guests.

There’s a particular guest, a man, who’s a little strange; he’s full of anxiety and neurosis. He comes in just to see me, unaware that I’m not the woman he remembers.  

He gets my attention and wants me to go with him to his car. He acts as if he wants to discuss something, so I give him the benefit of the doubt and I begrudgingly go along. I’m thinking that maybe I can snap him out of his indulgent ideas about me.  

But he’s being more deranged than usual. This time he wants to go to Walmart and sit in that parking lot to talk. I know that would be disastrous, plus I can’t leave because I’m working.  

In despair, he reminds me that I would have done this in the past. He thinks I should just get in the backseat. I know that would be giving in to his lower energy and his delusions. I realize they can’t be resolved.

In order to keep things from going to far, or be victimized, I instead get into the front passenger’s seat. He continues to insist that we go to this other parking lot, and that’s when I realize that it’s hopeless.  

This man isn’t interested in facing his issues. He just wants to indulge in an old pattern as if it will change something for the better. I feel his despair hit my heart; I know there’s nothing I can do. I tell him, “No,” and go back inside.  

This is when I realize that the lodge is in such bad energetic shape. I hadn’t paid attention before; I was just floating freely about. But I see that it’s my energy that’s attempting to make the difference – to lift things up. However, I realize it’s only a matter of time before the energetic emptiness will prevail, no matter my efforts.  

In other words, the lodge is set up to be a place that people can come to for relief, but the patrons aren’t quite on top of their game. I have the only energy that’s left and everyone else is too tired to offer any support.  

I also had an earlier dream in which I’m asked to pay attention to what some friends want me to see. It seems important, so I oblige them. I follow them and suddenly realize that they’re standing at the edge of a cliff.  

As I come up to the edge, I can tell that they’re collectively prepared to jump. I’m shocked that this is what they want me to see. I wake up from that image as a voice from somewhere in the ether says, “You didn’t see that coming did you?”

Both dreams are showing me that without catching up to the note in life that penetrates the condition you’re in, there’s an emptiness that has no meaning. Without that inner recognition, what touches me in the outer is filled with despair and confusion.

I can’t help the conditions (the lodge, the man, or the group on the cliff) and to think I can is a deception. The others don’t know quite what they’re looking for, but they’re responding to an aliveness in my nature that’s a relief to their worn-out energetic condition.

I think I’m okay, but the plight of others hits my heart, and I have to protect myself from being drained by the outer circumstances. If I go along, thinking I can clear the confusion, their approach will walk me right off a cliff.

In other words, I will fall into the same despair. So in the lodge, or in trying to relate to the confused man, the only thing that keeps me from being sucked in is this note I carry in my heart that can tell the energetic difference.

Try as I might I’m not able to get the energetic to come through so that something is able to change. All I can do is be firm in not being affected by the outer indulgences. In other words, I just can’t buy into them. I just turn away because I don’t want to give them any credence.

There’s a deeper meaning: I’m describing conditions in Creation (the outer world) that I have no solution for at this time. The only thing I have is a note inside that I hold onto in the face of all of this.

My old self would think I could make a difference and try to change things. But my new self knows that I hold a greater responsibility to try to build something, and change, from within.

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