Up to Speed

John: This series of images begins with me walking out of a wooded area, like a forest, and into the open where, to my surprise, I see an ex-girlfriend talking on a cell phone. She’s venting at a person for not doing something she needed done, or not doing it in a timely way. She’s in a rush and thinks this person should have known better.  

Of course, from my perspective, I immediately wonder, how could they have known better? I remember that she can be this way and I see that nothing about her has changed. When she gets something in her head, she can get very righteous about it and have no patience. She doesn’t realize that her venting of emotional distress is related to how she feels about herself.

As she finishes the call, I suddenly appear and say, “I know you must go, but before you do…” and then I proceed to try to get her to slow down and come into her body and feel herself. There’s something I want to say to get her to understand, but I can’t do it because she’s unable to let go of what pressures her. It causes an imbalance.

In the next image, I enter a building and run into a couple who are talking about how things are in terms of a business they run there. The woman is questioning her husband, because the business seems to have made more than six figures in profit, “So where’s the money?”  

I’m shocked, because I wouldn’t have believed that kind of profit was possible. She’s accusing him of doing something with the money that’s missing. The husband is trying to say it will be okay when he gets all the bookkeeping in place.  

The woman isn’t buying that and thinks he must have done something strange, or misused it in some way. But I can tell that both of them are confused.

I’m surprised, because I didn’t expect this place to be that successful. I have a space in the same building that’s been left alone for quite some time and I’ve developed an attitude toward it such that I no longer see it in terms of what it could be.

I somehow start to think, “If they can do so well with their area, what could they do with my area?” I say, “Why don’t you just take on this other part as well because whatever you’re doing seems to be successful?”  

Deep down I realize that this would be a great relief to me. Her comment surprises me and I’m trying to figure it out. I’m at at loss from her response: “You’ve got to be kidding!” This bluntness stuns me.

What do these dreams mean? In the first image, I’m trying to figure out how to resolve an emotional imbalance – within me – that affects the way I’m able to feel about things. The ex-girlfriend represents this aspect in me, which seems to be a characteristic that I carry and that can blindside me and strip away the natural well being of my nature.

This mannerism or defense mechanism arises whenever my energy drops a little, or when I start feeling like I’m out of place, or if something isn’t happening as I’d like to see it happen. I fail to stay centered, focused, and grounded.

When this happens, my reactions contaminate everything and I can’t quite appreciate things. Another way of saying it is, this misplaced tone keeps me from staying present in the moment. I avoid facing what lies in front of me, even though nothing is actually wrong, i.e., it’s self-created.

In the second image, nothing is really wrong with that situation either, emotionally or perceptively. The problem is that I want to be seen in a particular way and my projection of this image gets in the way of the existing scenario’s ability to catch up with itself. The reaction is an emotional pattern that covers up my ability to appreciate what’s simply there, i.e., the potential of the building space.

As I settle back, I’m able to recognize both these imbalances as patterns and characteristics I developed long ago. I grew up in an environment where my family’s past situation was better than its current situation, and our relatives had greater success. My dad carried that as a burden. It created a sense of expectancy, and also the sadness of remorse.

These are two energetic ways I feel myself in relation to the outer world. As I ponder this, I realize that there’s an even larger dynamic at play, which is revealed in the next image: I see an oven that’s just an open area inside. To properly use the oven, I have to put in the cooking shelves that get stacked at various levels.

The meaning here is that the pace of enfoldment and development within me varies from level to level. What I’m experiencing as imbalance are aspects of me that have gotten left behind because they weren’t keeping up (for more on this idea, see The Speeds of Progress).

To reset this in myself requires kindness. I need to step back and observe what’s needed in these areas of myself, give them time to adjust, or find their grounded balance in their own evolving way. If I do, something entirely different might open up.

Different aspects of us have different needs and expectations, they’re like different inner lives. Bringing them “up to speed,” is the journey toward the oneness of our self.

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