Hiding from Oneself

In a spiritual journey, we seek to let go, more and more, of the ego aspects of our lives, as a way to surrender to our higher selves, to our higher connections. Here, John’s dream shows him being pursued, but by an invisible pursuer who can track his every move. There’s no escape. It’s a struggle between keeping oneself separate, or integrating into the Oneness of everything. Our higher self knows, even when we aren’t fully conscious of what we still cling to for a sense of safety. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: In my dream, I have to creep through the nuances that throw me around at the beginning, in order to catch up with the fact that I have this understanding underneath it all.

In my dream, I find that I am running away from a pursuer. This pursuer is a long way back. In other words, it’s like I’m on the opposite edge of town, and there’s a way that I can look across to the far, far hillside on the other side of town.

And there’s a speck that you could see on this hillside, and I know that that small speck, that you can’t actually make out, is the pursuer coming. This town is sitting in a very mountainous area, down low in a crevice, and on this far side is this huge mountain.

I have a friend with me, as well as a dog that I have as a companion, To my friend I point out that there’s the pursuer, I can see him. Now, I also know that this pursuer has a telescopic camera and he uses this camera to sweep the area, taking pictures. And then he studies those pictures to see if there is anything out of order.

He’s exceptionally good at this because he can tell the slightest little thing that’s out of balance, and that enables him to zoom in on me. And so when I see him of course I can step back behind the building again. He’s looking for the slightest little thing that’s out of semblance, and from there he’ll get his clue as to how to catch up with me.

This dog I have with me suddenly gets on a type of water scooter and he goes scooting up and down the creek. I say to my friend, “Will this guy with the telescope, will he recognize the vehicle as something that belongs to me?”

My friend says yes, so I realize the dog has given us away. Another friend inside, so to speak -because that’s what a dog is – has kind of given me away. I realize that part of me is out in the open, so I have to abandon it. So before the dog comes back, I immediately cross the street with my friend because I see the side hill at that far edge of town that one can climb up on.

There’s a building built right next to this rock ledge that we need to get up on, so we climb up on the side of the building, up on the top of the building, as we proceed to make our exit up that mountainside.

On top of this old building are a number of old guard dogs that are sleeping, and we don’t seem to disturb them. And then there’s this mangy, skinny, bloodied-looking dog that won’t leave us alone, so I kill it with a pitchfork.

I ask my friend if that will be a clue to the pursuer, and he says yes. As I continue on with my friend I realize that whatever it is that I do, I’m unable to seem to hide everything from being visualized, or seen, or recognized.

I wake up hyperventilating a bit like I’m out of breath; I am in an intense state of apprehension. In other words, how do you pull this off? Every little thing you do creates something.

The scenario for the dream is, what I’m feeling that is triggering this dream, is I spent today amidst the Sufis. They’re very conscious but they act kind of stupid at times, and it bugs me a little bit, so I kind of play act and go along with that. But deep down I know that I’m leaking, that the inner secrets of my mannerisms is only pretentious because I know when I’m talking to someone I am not actually able to be myself, and my normal self would ignore them, not even deal with them.

I don’t really relate to them so what the heck, at least not on the outer level of appearances. This sets up this quality where I’m always hiding something and I find myself getting into conversations that I consider meaningless, and the insights I offer provide clues to where my perception is really at, which isn’t their perception necessarily, because I don’t necessarily go along with how they approach, or are going through life. And whatever I might say only disturbs because, so what, they have their perceptions so what.

To the degree that I vary my nature, just a single iota, where even though I say and act one way, I’m still seeing myself as separate; I’m not buying what they say 100%. And those who I am around, I also see as being like spies because they have this higher self that sees through all of that, and no matter how I think I am, I can’t hide from this higher self of theirs. I am exposed.

This exists because there’s this inner connection and flow that is visible and all-inclusive as an inner consciousness. So as I notice inside me the little vagaries that are irresponsible and not as real as I would like them to be, this is a leaking. It’s a leaking to their higher self, to their intuition, or however you would describe that.

They can pick up on that, maybe not at the time, but when they settle back and go into that space, they know, because those subtle clues expose me. So no matter how careful I am, and what I devise within, or come up with as a pretentious awareness, or even revealing bits and pieces of what I see in terms of the outer, that they may not see, this sight somehow is actually meaningless because it’s a manifestation. And it flipped back on me and everything I feel and project is made known in this all-pervasive seeing light of overall consciousness.

In my dream I know I cannot hide, that my pursuer is just too skillful and, no matter what I do, I am leaving energetic ripples that tell on me. In other words, the higher self can know, and I can’t be subtle enough. My issues leak out. And because these irresponsible mannerisms lack the truly sincere and gracious openness and inner connection to all there is, in some manner or another, I am tracking myself down with these vagaries.

As a meaning then, deep down, I can’t hide from myself. I am everywhere and I am in all things, even though I like to pretend otherwise as I remain in some cognition or another I still think belongs to me – although inwardly I know this to be untrue. So I’m telling myself that deep down I also know I can’t do that.

In other words, my higher self is telling me, I’m not getting away with that, because it shows; it shows on the higher-self level. And it’s only a matter of time before all of my inhibitions, that show on all these other, higher-self levels, find me out.

I can be as creative as I want, using my freedom of choice to conceal my true whereabouts, but in a world of Oneness this is always visible. The consciousness of all there is resides within me, and I am not able to hide from myself. It is this friend of my true self that will always find me out.

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