John’s dream finds him feeling a certain estrangement from the people around him. We can often find ourselves in this phase of spiritual development, where seeing the world from a different perspective can cause a sense of alienation. This state signals that a level of heartfulness has been lost. We may be in the world, but not of it, yet our heart must still maintain its connection to all things. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)
John: I guess the way I play this same theme is a little different in that it starts off in which I’m kind of outside of this building and looking through windows, glass, and such, and at first I can’t see where people are supposed to be, whether you can eat and whatnot, and socialize.
Instead, I finally see them off to one side playing ping pong. They are people I know, and what they’re doing is this kind of ping pong where you race around the table. Each person hits it once and then you just keep going around and around the table.
If I were inside, I would join them just for the camaraderie, but I also know that if I were to go inside and were to have joined the game, because I haven’t played for so long, I wouldn’t have my usual skill, so I’d have to play very defensive and just keep the ball on the table because I’ve been out of it so long.
And that’s just a hanging in there, based upon doing just enough to get by, because without being in practice, or without being more properly connected, I can’t take and push something or do something because it would cause me to screw up.
As a consequence, if I were to join them, it leaves something to be desired. I would not be able to truly be myself. And if I tried, there would be an imbalance because like an ego or something would come out instead, when I don’t have my normal acuity.
And so I just stay back, I hold back out of sight, outside looking in. I had tried to do something from this other place, but that didn’t go over very well. In other words, this is kind of like a glance back, like a shift back. It’s like going back in time, like sometimes a movie takes and goes back in time and starts another sequence of time, so this is like a flashback.
I tried to do something from this other place, meaning from within, but that didn’t go over very well, so now I see myself cut off and out of touch because I’ve gotten so different in terms of my beingness, and so this is how things have evolved. I got cut off.
My mannerisms, and how I saw myself, led to this result. Early in the dream, it starts off with me doing something like this where I’m inside now, and I’m partaking of a large banquet meal, and I had come early and got served right at the beginning.
I was able to come in, get a seat while things were still open, a seat pretty much that kept to myself, and had partaken of what was offered, while others were still figuring out how to join in. And it’s in an environment that has the sensation of having been a setting in which there was a large program, and the banquet is kind of an aftermath from that. After eating, I go off by myself. I don’t really relate to others in the other room. The plan is that I’m going to go back and eat again. I’m just not able to reach the place where I need to be so I remain alone. No matter what I eat, or how much, I remain unfulfilled and out of touch.
The meaning is, I have changed and, as a result, I’m unable to be with the people. I’ve gotten aloof. I became unrelatable to both them and myself. This dream is saying that I’ve lost a certain naturalness and humility of the heart.
Whatever I do to reach that does not work out because I have cut myself off. What I did was unintentional. The reason that this occurs is because I feel that what I do, if known, causes me to stand out if it is seen, so I hide it, and in doing this, this slowly ostracizes me from the day-to-day that everybody else goes through.
I do not know how to fix this. I am them, but I do not relate to their way of being. Attempts by them to include me project images that I no longer embrace, so I do what I do in a vacuum and then move on, never really able to establish any lasting ties that feed me because I have gotten alienated from this commonality.
Then I think of a friend that I know who has done a whole bunch of different things in his life and is not interested in anything, and there is a certain sadness because it’s a very lonely place to be in. And in his particular case, I always had an interest in something sparking up like an aliveness somewhere, but he took and he had studied and probed and he understood a lot and because he was very, very sharp, whenever he has applied himself he has done amazingly well.
The symptoms that cause something like this to be like this, the biggest symptom during the day is this tiredness condition that comes over me whenever I try to relate to something mundane. This denotes something unnatural. This will occur if I talk to someone and have to carry on a very trite and boring conversation, or if I’m watching a movie or TV program that doesn’t have anything there for me.
This pattern is getting worse and worse. I seem to be on a kind of spin that takes me out of the loop that everyone else is in. I no longer am able to chit chat and relate about ordinary things because this other predominates and is getting a hold of me more and more.
The collateral damage from this effect is that I am drifting further and further away from humanity, instead of closer and closer. I’m simply not handing graciously these other parts of me in the environment. It is getting harder and harder to relate in the way they relate.
This is a tangent I’ve gotten myself lost in. The dilemma I face is that this is not something that I’m able to partake of in any outer way, because to do so puts me into nuances that take away the heartfulness, and when that happens, I’m cut off.
Here’s an example of what estranges me. This occurs whenever I try to take a flow and try to turn it into a defined black-and-white manifestation. I get lost and confused. The activity is not what is important. To try and define manifestation is to lose one’s self, and others as well.
If I try to control some aspect of the process, in some way or another, as if that is my superior right to do so – I need to drop that. In other words, once you set something up it has to be released, and it’s bad enough that you set something up because that might not have been properly intended.
You may have deviated with something in terms of the way it was meant to unfold. Because there is a magic and an element of trust that’s important to the creator and his creation, that’s why everything has to follow this overriding rule.
That trust cannot be subjected to the outer control dictates. This destroys the ambiance and alienates the connection. I can try to pass it out, but I cannot pass it on or out when others are not able to receive, and they’re not able to receive if they don’t see themselves in a particular way that fits that.
In other words, if they don’t commit, or they don’t have the right focus or attention, or it’s not meant to unfold in terms of how their heart is. If it’s like that, then no matter what you do it’s going to be contaminated, or it’s going to be manipulated, or it’s going to go through some sort of change because they can’t handle it.
If what they receive hurts them in any way, then they’re not able to rise above it. Then I have violated a freedom of choice. The problem is, they don’t know how to choose, and I don’t know how to give, so sorting out continues.
There is a bigger meaning. As much as I would like to share what I have, there are rules in terms of how to do this that I have yet to learn. One of the rules is trust. I trust something and I respect an inner process, so what I do in the outer must function according to this thread and intertwining.
I’m talking about a transmission in which the lineage is a connection that goes back to the creator, so when others want something set and defined they are breaking this thread. The process does not work this way.
My place is a relationship secret with this inner intangible. I answer to this inner as a trust and connection. This is not something that is controllable. To try to package it is to destroy the magic.
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