Inner Conditions

inner-self5In this dream imagery, John has received an inheritance that includes a cat and a house that’s a mess. As a species, humans all have an inheritance that is part of our makeup, and as individuals we have our individual genetic and personal history. These have an effect on who we are, and are aspects that cannot be denied. Even so, our consciousness and connections to the whole of life determine what we will become. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: I find myself in a place where I’ve inherited a scenario in which everything around me is a total mess. And those who come around in this scenario of myself, in this place that I am, wonder how it is that I put up with this. 

It’s like I’m in a trance, with no sense of balance around me. The setting in the place that I’m in is I seem to be hanging out in the room in a kitchen, a small kitchen. There’s more to this than just the kitchen, but I’m hanging out in the kitchen, and this is something that I’ve inherited.  

This whole place used to belong to a woman who is no longer around, and I am now in this place and have to contend and work with the conditions as I find them – as is handed to me. This is my lot in life. 

And the place needs cleaning up. The kitchen is cramped, small, there’s food and rubbish on the floor, filthy conditions everywhere you look. And I have a certain amnesic quality to that, in the eyes of other people who look at this. 

And, of course, I guess you could say this old woman must have been an eccentric or something. What she has everybody wants. She was very wealthy, but living like this was as if she was always overwhelmed or something. So it’s almost as if I don’t actually ever meet her, and when I inherit all of this, I also inherit a cat that she had.  

This is a cat that is okay, you know, it’s acceptable. It seems to be okay with those conditions. However, this cat reflects backwards to another cat that I can see in my mind’s eye, that was around when she was alive – at a deeper depth, in other words, now. 

And this cat really looks strange. It was stiffish, it had scales like a type of body armor, and even though I never actually could see the cat, I know that I can see it in my mind’s eye. It’s more than hearing about it, I actually have a visual of how this cat is, and she liked this cat. She appreciated this cat. She looked after this cat. This was part of how she saw herself. 

At the time she died, though, this other cat, that’s normal in appearance, that has been passed on as part of what she passed on as her wealth, to me, was kind of her more intimate and close possession in terms of an aliveness. It’s as if her life even revolved around this cat. This cat, of course, is not the scaly cat, or the armored cat, or the defense mechanism kind of cat, or the dense cat that I could see in my mind’s eye, which was around primarily as her companion when she predominated in this space.  

What has happened is I now see myself as having taken on this place and her condition, and everywhere you look the conditions are stifling. The only copable thing in this scene is the cat. The cat seems to get along just fine. A person who is there off to one side tries to advise me that I should place my attention upon cleaning up this mess, that the computer I inherited is probably also compromised, in other words needing cleaning up as well. 

To protect myself internally I should make sure that I put my attention at rescuing everything in a safe way. So I turn to the person whom I know, who expresses an interest in my condition, and is viewing what he’s seeing as important but from some perspective that I know comes from his way of seeing things, so and I say, “Even if my computer is compromised it will not matter, because I have imbedded a self-destruct button on it. No one can access who I really am. At any time I want, I can enact, on the computer, a program that deflects everything to the cat.” 

In other words, the cat gets it all. And this won’t be like the helpless gentle thing that I inherited. This will be a cat like she used to be with scaly conditions that are like body armor, which no one understands, which keeps things in a state of confusion. 

The dream is reflecting the fact that I appear to others, in terms of my normal mannerisms and persona that I project, as if I am out of touch with the conditions that exist around me. And on a sensation level, I go around as if I am pent up by obstacles. I inherited this condition. 

Long ago this was even harder to accept because what I doted upon back then has evolved. It’s become subtler. It hides things better. It doesn’t go to that deep density of myself at the epicenter of the microcosm.

The environment that I had surrendered my attention to was not a pleasant sight – that’s back then, at the density of one’s self that one has to access, one has to own, because there lies the cat that’s scaly, stiff looking, with an armor that makes it reprehensible. Cats usually are friendly, or they could be coaxed to be friendly, even though they are precocious – but not this cat. You wanted to not even look at it.

I tend to this cat until now what I have inherited as part of my lot in life has changed, but still, at the core of things, there are still dire conditions. This is much like how bloodlines work. In other words, you inherit family traits, which have been in the family for 100s of years or whatever, and they pass down through you, and where did it come from? 

How do you go back and address that? Also, a psychologist always knows that if they’re trying to help a person they have to get them to go back and identify with the root of their feelings, and from that then, the cycle can be broken in terms of the pattern that repeats and repeats.

And so we carry within our nature this mechanism or means where we have to go back to the epicenter of ourself in order to grow or make a transformation. If anyone tries to alter or change the way this works as if they have a right, and can figure out how, to bring in a state of balance that’s controllable, and they’re suggesting that that’s possible to me, someone who’s naïve, because they haven’t dealt with the depths of themselves, my response is I will blow those ideas up and leave everything to both a present and a past simultaneously that I have accepted.

I know this state even though I did not personally experience it in this lifetime. A lot has been transformed and no one knows this deep down better than me. In other words, I see what’s transformed, but also see whence one came. If there is an attempt to interfere with who I really am, and where I am meant to go, I will invoke… in other words, this is the Shiva quality: I will invoke a type of shattering all over again – because that’s important.

The purpose of the dream is, my freedom in creation is affected by imbedded energetic vibrations that rise up from within. Those conditions are old; they are repressed and have an influence upon everything around me. Those conditions not only confine me, but I am able to surprise everyone by falling back upon such a self which is disregarded and discounted by those who think they are familiar with my situation.

What they do not know, nor can they understand, is that I am committed to protecting this heritage because it is at the core of who I am. I must reject who they are, or this depth of things, or refuse to even look at it. Alternatively of course, see this sort of thing as a condition which defines who I am.

I would lose everything important if I resorted to what others look at, which is a state of mind that abandons this sort of thing. I may have changed the person, or I may have evolved with the person that others see. In other words, I’ve developed this particular persona and mannerism by which I project, but deep down there is something that remains beyond their reach. I have to reach it, however, and I have to accept it.

Why do I have to accept it? Because of how it is meant to flow. It’s meant to flow based upon having a loyalty within to that which is in need of my care. And whenever my attention is placed there a protection exists in spite of appearances. This is how my psyche is designed to effect the environment.

I do not place my attention upon what others deem meaningful. I consider that to be inhibiting. Conversely, others do not put there attention upon that which strikes to the core of who I am. They consider this to be unnatural, confined, and inhibiting.

So, what are the resulting consequences? I function best when I separate myself from the status quo and look at the grosser nuances in life as reflecting a subtle meaningfulness. For me such nuances are so imbedded that they effect who I am. 

Others would never look at this mannerism from its root. This would be too stifling for them. Others want what I appear to have, but do not accept the inner conditions that come with this state. In other words, the conditions of going into a depth of one’s self.

I cannot give them what they want until they accept and honor such conditions, without having or conditions or reservations. My sight in this regard is maintained by never letting go of this dense core quality nature I carry within.

This core quality nature is too much for others to accept, or work with, so I am on my own. To try and bring this from inner to outer is fraught with confusion because to do so I am exposing things, and myself even. So in exposing myself, I am seen as being in contrast to how they see themselves, so then you create friction so you have to know how to hold the state in a quietness.

Then something went along and all of a sudden I came up with this. A hidden mystery in creation is that it is how this dense core of our being, it is from this dense core of our being, that we derive our sight. In order for inner sight to come through, we access this repressed prima materia trait.

In other words, something that’s shrunken and dense and dark, and like a rock in our nature, and accept it as being our lot in life. If it transforms, it transforms, but that isn’t the objective because then you tend to start trying to reach outward into a greater outwardness of the macrocosm, instead of everything being there in the micro.

We can soften this trait, transform it into a gentler and subtler way of being, but at the core there is no getting away from it. This is an integral part of our psyche. Or to say this another way, we are able to see what is able to be by unveiling, at the depth of our being, that which exists in a repressed state.

We come to own, honor, and protect these roots, from our underlying nature, because they are essential to our current condition no matter how evolved our current condition seems to have become. This is why it is said that gain comes with pain. We never run away from who or what we are.

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