The Barrier of Ego

ego-face-masksThis dream encapsulates one of the fundamental premises of a spiritual journey: we must let go of our ego identity to reconnect ourselves with God and creation. It describes a situation where, on the surface, one person is so caught up in themselves that they are unable to ask for the help they need, when a willing person is right there to help. We all have these experiences in life. It’s a perfect analogy to our relationship with God and the grace of the universe: we need to let go of our separateness and ask for the help that is waiting there for us. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: It’s almost like there needs to be a type of process upon which something settles out in order for me to catch the dreams. At least I ponder that, because when I go and I meditate and I come back, it’s almost like if anything, I touch something in a way so subtly that there’s too big of a gap to turn all of that into a dream or something that I can hold onto.

And if I do, it can be deeper. But the danger exists of having nothing. But in this particular instance, where I thought that I was waking up with something that was bizarre, and then I laid back and I realized that I was looking at something, and there actually was something there, that I better play with that.

And usually when it’s like that, sometimes that can be extremely deep, especially if it’s something that correlates, or relates, backwards in time, to when one was going around doing things in the outer, and didn’t have an understanding, other than just doing what you do, stabbing yourself, doing all the things that you do, and one didn’t have the understanding to look at what one was doing and see what that implicated, in terms of the other side, which is what you were doing in your dream.

I guess, in a way, what this is requiring me to do, in terms of seeing what it is that is meant to be seen, in terms of the action from the other side, or other deeper part of yourself.

So in this dream, I’m in a county treasurer’s office looking at the tax rolls. It seems like there’s somebody else with me, who’s just hanging out or something, but actually is a little more social.

And everything that is there, has it all tumbled together. In other words, there are the paid taxes and the delinquent taxes. I’m in a state that doesn’t want to speak my need or something, so I’m only interested in the delinquent taxes. Deep down I know that this treasurer probably knows that, but it’s up to me to say that. 

Instead I just keep tumbling through this book which has it all jumbled together. It’s a needle in a haystack. Off to one side I can see the treasurer as if she’s there, a very nice lady, observing what I am doing, and she has this sympathetic look. 

She probably knows who I am as a person from long ago, as some sort of memory, and it’s a memory of me being a person who goes through delinquent taxes. Yet here I am, going through this whole great big roll instead of succinctly the delinquent taxes.

And I have the sense she is aware that I am not connecting as directly as I seek, and I just don’t have the inertia inside to ask for help. I try to find what I need. In other words, I just fumble about as if I’m going to find what I need on my own, as if it’s going to just magically appear. 

Consequently, in the dream, I am not looking at the list of delinquent taxes, nor am I sorting out from the delinquent taxes, because first of all, you have to get to the delinquent tax list and then from that is what you sort out as the taxes which I’m able to work with. 

In other words, some of them are delinquent, but there are those that you can then take on and work with and incorporate, as some aspect that can involve you. Instead I seem to be relying upon a latent instinctual memory that is ungrounded. 

In other words, it’s a memory that I have done this sort of thing in the past, and so I’m feeling a certain quality inside that I tend to hold onto these days, and it’s a certain freedom within the breath. It’s a certain lightness. 

It can exist as a spaciousness that’s separate from the way things are densely in the outer, and so, as a consequence of being like that, I don’t reach beyond this spiritual, illusionary, limitation and ask for help. 

It’s as if this is going against my dense ego nature, which likes the suspense because I’m invoking a curiosity – but who gives a shit about that? I’m there to go directly into something and figure it out. And so by not doing it, I suffer and beat myself up, expecting what I feel I am entitled to and that this will somehow come to my attention. 

So I probe around in the tax roll book, which is huge, almost endless, as if I will somehow intuitively be able to stumble upon what I need – a blind faith which clings to the separation instead of letting go.

And what it feels like in the breath is a floaty sensation in which the breath is high in the chest and, when it’s like that, it’s a type of ungroundedness that prevails. I know from deep within that there is an ancient memory which has, in the past, connected with life. 

I also have the sense the treasurer would like to help me, that she feels sad for me in some way. I need to ask for help. I can’t seem to bring myself to do that, so I hang out in this off-the-ground imaginative, not penetrating the barrier.

So the meaning of the dream is that the condition I am experiencing within, is separate energetically from my surrounding environment. I’ve chosen to make it that way, and I am not taking an inner vibratory quality directly into creation. 

I’m hanging out with the vibration in kind of an ungrounded way, which is a waste of time. Until I figure out how to touch creation, a barrier exists. My energetic, or whatever it is that I carry, or the space that I’m coming from, intrigues the treasurer, because I can see her off to one side kind of wondering what she can do. But she can’t do anything if I act like everything is copacetic.

I know that this is an energetic that I’m carrying, which requires a more direct connection for it to work. But, like I said, I just choose to maintain a mystique rather than make a proper contact with her.

The treasurer, in this instance symbolizing creation, is a service to those who can speak their need. I need to let go for this to happen, and I, to not do so is a situation in which a heart-to-heart relationship is lacking. To break through the barrier is a two-way process.  

She has a responsibility and I have a need. I mean, she has a responsibility to the county, to the bigger picture. She has a responsibility for the taxes to be paid. She has a responsibility to the services of the overall county.

And I have a need in that my little role plays a tiny, tiny part in that process. But nothing can happen if I am unable to let go of the mystique I carry aloofly. If I were to let go I would have access to a linkage which is currently lacking.

Instead I look around thinking I will find this connection in some sort of entitlement manner. I have gotten spoiled because I was allowed to have a taste of that sort of thing, as a gift. Such a windfall that was bestowed long ago is no longer provided in this way.

I am required to close the gap now. The gap exists because I have gotten used to preferring the barrier. At one point I could jump through the barrier. The sensation is that creation feels for me, yet I remain righteously separate.

I am able to receive from creation when I drop the aloof energetic sensation – by just letting go. This connection occurs when the heart is receptive to what creation has to offer. I am able to access the vibration that creation needs, but to help creation a heart-to-heart connection is required.

The purpose of this dream is to show me the stab to the heart, which separates me from an aspired connection. As long as the separation pain exists, I am not closing the gap. The barrier is ego. 

This is a demeanor that seeks exclusivity, so I suffer and am unable to receive. The danger of being like this is the losing of the gift of giving. This is a gift that exists in the space that is separate from the delusion of an ego self that sees itself as separate.

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