Creating a Disturbance

aura-energyContinuing this thread of being out of sync energetically with the world around us (see Out of the Equation and Trying to Make Sense), John finds that his actions come across as bizarre to the people he is with. This idea raises an important issue in a spiritual journey, in that the outer world has become so fixed in its ways that it resists or rejects change of an evolutary nature. Yet it is crucial that a person be able to hold in themselves their connection to their higher self, no matter what the outer world thinks of it. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: In my dream, it’s like whatever I do, because I act more with a type of energetic that invokes and throws energy around, as opposed to trying to hold a space – that isn’t a space that others recognize – instead I throw energetic around as if that can effectuate change.

And when it is at a point where it goes beyond what they’re able to handle, or grasp, or sustain, or maintain, then that is when the image of bizarreness comes up.

For you, you don’t really have the image of bizarreness upon yourself. You’re just out of place. You’re just no longer able to be in that same place as they all are, or that scenario is, that, even though you try, things are left bewildered.

In my particular case, whatever I do causes the appearance of being bipolar strange on an energetic level, as if there’s something wrong with me. I am seen as having something wrong with me by them, and I see them as what they’re doing just doesn’t work for me. I’m just in a different space with my humor, with my mannerism, with my expression, the whole bit – and they don’t get it.

So the dream I have that shows this starts off in which I see myself kind of in an outdoor area, the sun is shining, it’s really a nice atmosphere, and there are three of us out there, and I see myself starting to drift off to one side as this woman and guy kind of go walking up over a knoll.

And then suddenly I get the sensation that this isn’t the way it should be, that there should be more excitement, that I shouldn’t just be off like this because I’m actually being cut off from something when I wander off like that.

And we’re just all being nice and innocent and free caring and free flowing, but I sense and feel inside of myself something well up that’s playful and lighthearted that is an excitement even to me.

So out of the blue I go racing across to where they are, and I tackle the woman in play, just as if tackling her in play that she will catch the humor and the lilt of this kind of antics and be okay. But she doesn’t appreciate something like that and considers it out of place.

So I ask, is there a game she knows that three people can play? In other words that we can integrate together. The game she comes up with has you taking and holding some object in one hand that the others do not see, and then you sing a song and dance a little. 

Well, they look pretty good doing that, but when it’s my turn I pick some song that’s kind of a memory of some ancient past that doesn’t necessarily relate to the flow of the times, and of course I see myself as I move around doing this as having to orchestrate the flow, because that’s not who and how I am – in some sort of perceptive way.

And so it looks, and I have the sensation of it being, quite bizarre. And the song that I pick, because it’s so old I can’t even hardly remember the lyrics anymore and, of course, I don’t do the full jive of the thing, but just part of it is all I can do. 

So the next thing that happens is these two, plus maybe another person or two that’s there now, decide that it’s now time to put on an attire that dresses us all up. Well, they put on a particular attire that is pretty much in keeping with how things are understood to be, in terms of images, at that point in time or manner of time that exists.

And I put on a bright silver attire that immediately I could tell causes them to be a bit shocked because it’s out of place from what they have taken on that’s very established and normal. This guy that’s really confused by what I did, because he’s very composed and balanced, I can sense that, so I ask him “What color shirt should I wear with this?” 

And I suggest maybe a green shirt. And he says, “Well, maybe a green dress is okay,” joking, and when I’m shocked by what he said, he then gets serious and straightforward without the precociousness and says, “Light blue.” At that point he dropped the agitation that he had that I had gotten so out of place, and at least tried to suggest something that went along with that.

In the dream I see myself as out of balance for what is going on. Consequently, I go around and I’m like this being a person who does things that are considered out of step, and out of place. And this disrupts or tends to create a reaction, because whatever it is that I’m doing goes against a conceptual constant image that they carry.

And so if I take that back upon myself as if I’m doing something wrong, this can lead to a kind of self consciousness that keeps you confused.

But this is not what is really going on deep within. What is happening is I’m relating to an energetic excitement and flow that is not simultaneously appreciated by what sees itself to be a more balanced, and composed, outer world so I come off as if I’m out of place, out of sync, and out of focus.

Such behavior is deemed, my behavior in other words, is deemed to be an imbalance by an outer that takes their behavior as proper, in other words, as if they have it figured out. Because I am on a level within that doesn’t come across to others like I believe should be possible. In other words, I seem to think that because I feel this way, that I can do something and they get it.

And when they don’t, it’s as if there’s something missing. I hear it or sense it inside of myself, but over and over, because that isn’t coming across, it’s like because it takes the whole for this to be actually something brought through as real, it’s creating this condition in which you’re not quite seeing what is meant to be.

Because what’s meant to be has to come down through, and into, everything else. In other words,  it can’t be just seen as peculiar, bizarre, unexplainable behavior. The image I’m left with is not being able to find a way with others without disturbing them, in terms of their sense of being, that they have to carry in a set and defined way, or as a practiced mannerism.

They that are like that cannot, and they represent the outer, cannot handle what looks like behavior that doesn’t fit in with their schematics or expectations. But at the same time deep down I can’t stand the need by them to look right, act right, in other words that’s too much something… it’s too slow, so I act in an antic bizarre way, in terms of how they see me.

And if I’m not careful I can see myself as bizarre too, and see myself as trying to justify this or something, which then draws attention to it being bizarre. But what this bizarre behavior is actually revealing is that I am in another state, clamoring to be at peace from within, in a connection that is in the outer.

I might not be able to describe it, or put my finger on it, but I have something about me that is more real and more of a pure energy. For those who can see, this reflects from my being as a type of innocent nature. In other words, it doesn’t fit with their sophistication.

For those who are disturbed by my behavior, the conduct is seen as out of place and bizarre because they are set in their idea of how it is that things need to be. Such people are caught in a mode that isn’t switchable, or isn’t able to go back and forth.

So that’s kind of like the sense of what’s going on, and the meaning too, is that I am shown this image and imbalance so that I can appreciate that just because I seem to sense now, and relate differently from within than others who are in the outer environment, that this is because I experience something within that they do not.

If I catch up with this as a kind of sight, in other words I have this but it’s kind of moving about in me. It’s not like I have a good sense of understanding about it, but if I were to catch up with this as a kind of sight, then it’s possible that the gap between inner and outer can close. 

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