In this imagery, John is again faced with the paradox of being alive in the physical realms, and the inner yearning to be reconnected with the Whole. That is the journey, to find the stillness, or emptiness, inside, through the guidance of inner knowings, so that both states can be held within a human life. It may seem difficult, yet it is the one true pursuit of mortal existence. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)
John: I’m struggling inside. There’s something that’s drawing my attention into the outer and, when that happens, you get this kind of energetic yo-yoing.
I remember once when I was in an Ashram for a period of time, I let go of things so completely that it was amazing what was able to come through me. But then I couldn’t keep it, and the notions and ideas and thoughts started coming back, and I considered myself a lie as a result of them coming back.
And it’s kind of like the effect of coming around a teacher can take and put you into this state where you drop the noodling around, at least for a short period of time, then you come charging back into it again and it all just kind of crashes.
Or as Adyashanti puts it, which is a cute way, he can stand by a window as the program ends and watch people walking out and seeing them visually taking up the affairs of the world. Well that’s sad, because then nothing really properly got accomplished, because you’re supposed to not let that be just like a movie event in the past.
They’re supposed to carry an essence of that inside of themselves as a knowingness, as a linkage, as a type of sight even, so that they know this other place at a depth way, way deep within that sits there, maybe as an echo for a long, long time, but still as something that you have an awareness – even if it’s just a quasi watchfulness awareness that you’re helpless with being able to sustain.
At least you carry something so that there’s a way of flickering back. And it’s the responsibility of the teacher to look at the effort, and the focus, and the attention, and the sincerity you are, trying to seek this place to figure out how to give you the best flow to catch up with that.
And it’s all outside of mind. It’s all vibration. And yet we keep relating to the mind, but the mind keeps losing its power, its outer mind workings keep losing its sense of satisfaction that way, when our quest or yearning inside at a depth that pulls something in keeps taking us little by little, more and more, away from that imprisoned.
So I have to learn how to put my attention, not upon the ups and downs because that’s as if you’re going to create a cadence that way. It doesn’t work up and down and up and down. It’s separate, because then you compromise.
Only when I stay connected to just the heartfelt vibration, that is connected naturally to all of life, am I able to remain attentive to a Wholeness that is coming awake, too, or coming into creation even. The other you just see, you just watch.
I can’t seem to help myself however. Against my better inner judgement, I’m trying to control the outer conditions as well, even though I know that this is a waste of heartfelt energy. In the dream, having applied an outer magnetism that keeps my soul from moving around in a large universal schematic, I must contend then with obligations I have created physically.
To be like that is to be compromised. Instead of being in an emptiness, like a blank sheet of paper, attentive to the rhythm as it flows from within into creation, I am trying to keep a handle upon the outer dynamics. You cannot do both. Deep down I know this is futile, and a waste of time.
I am meant to observe and be free, not to decide what there is that I can do about what is happening. I act as if I am able to figure out what to do in terms of what, first of all, is going on. I come close to that as an inner station when I place my attention on maintaining and reflecting an intertwined heartfulness, but you don’t take that emptiness into the outer because you will lose it. That’s like thinking that you can then subrogate them.
The dream I had reflected these opposites. I am taking out money I have in my pocket to pay a person for helping me understanding a sequence of flow in life – that’s in outer life. In my pocket I have stuffed $100 bills, but I can’t find those whole bunch of $100 bills that are in reserve for what I see as important in the Whole, or is yet to be.
Instead, those bills are hidden. The way I am acting, what I am able to readily pull out to pay a person for services he has provided in terms of the outer conditions of things, is a $100 bill and to that is stapled or attached a piece of paper. I need to keep this piece of paper and also this note because this paper is an echo to what I feel is my bridge between the inner and outer.
The note is a memo regarding what I expect to happen. A $100 bill is segregated from that other space where all the other $100 bills are at in my pocket somewhere that I don’t know how to reach in and touch. This is the one that comes out.
In this space where the other $100 bills exist, and money represents power, inner power, that’s where the nothingness exists. It’s in an overall Wholeness of all that there is in the universe. My inner power exists there in an uncompromised capacity. I’m not able to reach that inner essence as I move away from the heartfelt quality that comes from the heart.
In other words, you can’t reach it and move away with it simultaneously. Yet, somehow or another, you have to be in both places because that’s what the out-breath is, is a moving away. The in-breath is moving back.
So in the out-breath I have then just this heavier sense about things that carries my attention. If I don’t know how to put it into the divine outer as a longing, it will carry that attention to an external ego mind trying to cope. When I’m like that I pay for what I believe is going on in the outer with resources that have been subrogated – and subrogated is where you deviated from where it serves a greater Whole.
Subrogated from an essence of the heart imprisoned in terms of having got caught up in the outer images and expectations. I should know better, but I cannot seem to embrace the emptiness and a nothingness of the heart that is in tune with the universal. I lose this when I shrink into the microcosm perceptions.
So in the dream, caught up like this, I find myself paying for the outer contanglements with monies attached to the memos of the mind, or even of the in-between, which again then is limited through gravitation, so to speak, in terms of not having the freedom of the Whole, which has a bliss to it.
Perhaps there is a clue in the expression, feet on the ground, head in the heavens, meaning universal mind of nothingness, which is intertwined to the galactic energy, unconstellated. Perhaps there’s a clue that we as human beings are caught like this. I’m still working this out because, as I hold the energetic in manifestation, which hurts a heart seeking to be free of a limited denseness, that in doing that I’m not honoring the head in the nothingness, or whatever you would call it, hammered into the heart, not honoring that Wholeness.
What I am doing is like placing chips on a roulette wheel, like in a gambling casino. I guess when you do something like that, you’re thinking that you can get lucky playing the odds. Such futility denies the essence of the heart the home it seeks, because you stab it. Because you either have the false elation, and more often than not you’re stabbing the heart, so the access to the denseness is greater.
The access to something that keeps you constrained is greater, and you indulge in that. And the inner Wholeness of freedom has been reduced to personal cause-and-effect. Instead, my longing exists as an out-breath.
If you look at it in this sense, the longing is in the out-breath that has gotten caught up in manifestation, and in its getting caught up it is separate then from the other half, which is the in-breath that goes back to an emptiness, to a state of bliss.
So we, as a human being, are kind of this cosmic thing of having one part of ourself going opposite, away, and another part going back. And we do this in split seconds over and over and over and over and over again, and somehow we have to sort that out.
Somehow there’s enough sweeping of the heart that we can come to know how to not lose the one thing that is everything, and still be, and also be, in the manifestation as a kind of eyes and ears greater reflection.
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