A Waywardness

convergence-elizabeth-zaikowskiIn these scenarios, John is struggling with an inner balance. In a spiritual journey, all aspects within us must be aligned to the greater purpose, or else we will end up fighting ourselves and derailing our progress. One aspect of us may embrace change, while another aspect may resist it. Which side wins? In a sense, neither side is in the right alignment until both aspects are aligned together. Then it is a matter of listening to inner guidance rather than thinking “we” know what’s next. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So in my dream, the first one during the meditation dream is, I’m carrying the belief that things are going to be breaking down little by little. But as I observe this energy, which is flowing through the breath from within myself, I do not see the rhythm occurring. 

In other words, now all of a sudden something isn’t breaking down. I’m expecting it to be breaking down, almost as if I have adapted the conceptualization, and yet in my meditation dream it quit breaking down. And I’m so surprised by this condition that I’m waiting for the cadence to change. 

It’s almost like there’s some mistake. I have to let this dream develop more because it will break down. And finally I realize that something has shifted and I need to act abruptly to note that this change has happened. In other words, I can’t keep holding on to what I had been expecting to take place in a particular way. 

And then in the meditation dream comes this other one, too, and I’m in another part of the place I live, and in this other place where I live I tune in on what I hear is going on. And one of the things I hear is a person who is moderating the activities and lives, and like one of the octaves in life is that this person is noting, is something has changed and that they’ve got a “buy” signal on gold.

In other words, that gold’s going to go up as an aspect in life. Because I see things breaking down from the previous, but then am told that maybe that has stopped for some reason and, yeah, maybe gold could go up. So I contemplate if I should wait until later in the morning to act because the market is just now opening up and maybe I should give it some time to unfold.

And then suddenly I get the impulse in me that if I do that I will lose most of the gain. So I grab the phone to place the trade. I’m unable to call out because a woman, in another part of my place, has the line tied up. In other words, when I pick up the phone she’s on the line inside the house, too.

And she seems to need to play out the drama of making a scene, blocking me from doing what I need to do. And no matter what I do, she keeps acting dicey about this. She seems to be having fun keeping me bottled up and frustrated. I can’t seem to get her to knock it off and just let me make a quick call.

So I get furious, and I have no choice but to go charging over to where she’s at. I’m going to throw her out of the place. And I wake up as I am furious inside, reeling from where I am at in my place to where she is at to have it out. I cannot have someone who is purposefully trying to mess me up just because she can do it for no reason other than she likes to see me sabotaged. I am furious that I would have someone like that in my place.

The meaning of this is, I am gauging the alchemical unfoldment from within myself. I am settled back watching, waiting. Suddenly I sense a shift I need to follow. I’m unable to do this because I have this other part of myself that is purposely content remaining in a trance; different perception or something, different way of looking at it. 

I had been waiting patiently for some clarity to come through and, when it did, there is this trance-like nature that won’t let go of its trance that it is in. The part of myself that feels it needs to be instantly responsive to a change in the inner flow, and act accordingly in the outer, becomes incensed and furious when this is impossible.

But this is not going to make much difference. The damage has already been done. In other words, I had to act in the moment and didn’t. All I can do is draw this part out because I cannot settle for being unable to act with conviction when the moment is right.

So, what is going on on a deeper level? I am noticing that I carry a trait within that seems to believe that I am not entitled to take the kind of spontaneous action I determine to be important. That such action is too abrupt, and to stop this sort of thing from continuing to shock the system I am being stopped and forced to confront this waywardness that just won’t let go. 

But there’s the deeper effect. Because I carry this part of myself that has preset ideas on how things need to be that when I do not get my way because the flow turns out to be other than what I had been gauging, my struggling within, that goes back and forth, has set up and established a part of myself that is unable to function in accordance with the need. 

This is something I cannot accept. I must be responsive to the perceived need at the precise moment something has shifted. Another part of me is saying, no, settle back, and take your good old time because you are not meant to be in control. This part of myself loves hanging out in a trance-like condition, as if that is just fine. I can’t stand such a poison controlling my natural nature like this and act abruptly to free myself up. 

And so then I get to looking at this more, and I look at this as a price I am paying that is outrageous. In other words, that’s the schematic now. I need to look at my sense of balance more closely because I am being abrupt with myself. If my perceived need of being instantly spontaneous is fomenting this reaction, I am missing something. 

If being like this is going to be disruptive to my need to be more at ease, then whatever it is that I also need to be paying attention to that is important for some reason, that I am not properly comprehending, I’m not noting that.

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