Observing Oneself

s2This series of images takes John through the great subtlety of a spiritually refining process. He begins in a deep inner space. Further images show him that what he needs to understand about that space he already knows on a deeper level. And then he has an image of crossing back and forth “over the mountains” to this more permanent home, all the while emptying himself of worthless trash and expendable items. This is the journey and, as mentioned yesterday, refining means we slowly bring different aspects of ourselves over the mountain, piece by piece, until we are on the other side. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: When you talk about your dreams being wispy, I guess I could have used that word, too, because in my sleep I see, far within, a place that is so far inward that I know I can’t describe anything about it. 

In other words, there’s no in-between story, there’s nothing moving around, there’s no action, it’s all quiet, and all I can do is note that whatever this is, whatever I’m looking at, I’m in a place where there’s nothing to report. And this resides deep within as a beacon, in which there’s nothing in between.

And so as I’m trying to understand this, it’s like normally I have a dream. I woke up and no dream, and I’m thinking, well, it’s as if my synapses shut off and my senses went away because I have nothing to report – other than this very strange observation that’s not saying anything, which I noted as I was waking up. 

I actually noted two particular characteristics that were kind of interesting, that made my attention kind of pop a bit, and I don’t remember the second, but this one of this place far, far, far away, where there’s nothing between here and there going on, when one’s attention is so locked into that image. 

And there was an importance to that, as like a singular note or something, there was an importance to that that I drew a conclusion with inside. And then I drew a second conclusion, and then I was sitting pondering how those two fit in relationship to where I’m technically at trying to figure out how to report something.

Something had really made a transition, or movement, or gone somewhere inside, like the soul moving around or something, because as I got out of bed, I couldn’t walk. I staggered sideways, almost fell down. I was really drunken. 

It took a while for me to establish my bearing. It was not like I didn’t know where I was at, I just couldn’t function. I could hardly walk. It was as if I wasn’t all there yet. What seems to have caused this is I didn’t pay attention to anything nearby. In other words, as I was sleeping I had no awareness on “this side” of things, the manifestation side or something, where you have symbolic imagery.

So as an observation affecting me there was nothing there because to do so would cause me to quit dwelling upon this deep depth, like I was fixated on it, that held my attention and had this far, far away inner quality to it. 

As I wrote this up I kept thinking, this is pitiful. I didn’t dream but by writing this up it seems to set something in motion, right? Now, if I hadn’t written this up, this other probably wouldn’t have been able to evolve. I had to tweak something.

So then in this dream, I am listening to a woman say to me that she has nothing more to say to me until I have something to say, or report, to her. The sense I had was she was there to question me about something and I have nothing to report. 

As she backs out of the room to go to some other assignment, she says, “There is this incredible video to watch.” Then she leaves. She doesn’t tell me what video or anything. I’m not sure quite what she’s saying. The suggestion is that somehow I knew what she was saying at the time she said it, that there was this incredible video to watch, because nothing more needed to be said. 

In other words, the part of me, in a very dense manifestation way, wouldn’t get that, but some part of me she didn’t need to say anymore. There wasn’t anything more for me to have to note. 

It was like a delayed effect that would kick in as my mind seemed to say, What video? In other words which averted the knowing. She didn’t need to complete the statement. I just needed to be in this other place, too. 

In other words, where this dream is similar to the first dream is kind of like the amnesia between the two states, right? The state where something is visible so far inside, and I have slipped out of the manifestation aspect of things to such a degree that it’s hard for me to come back and be grounded, on my feet.

And then, in the next dream, it’s a longer dream about both sides. This time I’m more in the physical, but I’m going home. In this dream it’s like I have this place or apartment or something that I have to leave, and I have this guest or company that came over. They haven’t spent much time there. 

I seem to be in this place by myself – you’re not around. You’re in some other place, maybe, I don’t know. There’s no sensation of that. And this other person that comes is kind of like this Rock of Gibraltar guy. He’s someone you can always depend upon. He’s very stable. 

When he decides and says that he’s going to do something, he always does something. You can always count on him. And he’s come to visit, but I don’t have an opportunity to spend a lot of time with him. I mean, he hasn’t been there that long and I’m leaving. And he’s staying behind in this place, but I have to go to my home away from this home on the other side of the mountains. 

All that one could say is, when you have to go, you have to go. And he seems to know what I mean by that. So as I gather my things up, I suddenly start emptying all kinds of things out of my pockets that shock me, that I have so much junk inside my pockets that have no value whatsoever, they’re just trash. 

And I comment to him, I don’t know how I got so much trash in my pockets. And then I put my jacket on and I feel this large bulge in one of the side pockets. In fact, it has some weight to it and it’s a jar of peanut butter. And for a second I pause, and then I realize, you know, that’s okay. I can snack on this, I like peanut butter, I can snack on this as I make this trip. 

I don’t have to take time out and stop as I go from this side to the other side. But I realize I need a spoon, so first of all I look in the dish rack and there’s a dirty spoon there. And so then I go into the drawer and I’m looking for an old spoon. I don’t need much of a spoon, just something that I can throw away perhaps, that’s expendable.

And when I look in the drawer, all I see are sterling silver spoons. It’s all a set. I can’t take one of them. Suddenly I see a couple of cheap spoons that are kind of like made out of cheap metal that a cook uses as part of measuring ingredients into whatever they’re cooking. And they’re all different sizes. 

I see a couple of those, and so I select the one that I feel would be missed the least, because you can maybe use the other one to make up for it, a slightly different size. I kind of know they’re all useful, but I can’t get myself to register how it is that they’re used. I kind of know what they’re used for, but I can’t recall how I’m using them. 

It’s not like I’m using them, and yet they should still be left behind because they do serve a purpose. But because I can’t really remember I select the one that I think is the least important. And he seems to find another one somewhere else and he offers that to me. It’s a bigger one and I say, “No, no, no, this one will do.” 

Because all along I’m aware that these spoons serve another purpose, too. They’re not the main sterling silver spoons I can’t break up that are part of the solidity of this place, and stability. In other words, I just haven’t grasped the functionality like I normally should have. It just doesn’t dawn on me. 

The meaning of the dream is, well, first of all the first dream we start off with the sensation of being in two different states. When that starts off of course I’m so inward I seem to be far away in that state to the point where I have nothing I can report when I wake up. 

Nevertheless, I know I was definitely somewhere deep because I can hardly walk when I get out of bed. In this dream, which is now adding or reporting more about the two places, I’m about to travel, and this other place I’m going to I know is a more permanent home. 

However the place where I’m leaving, or had been, which is kind of in manifestation, had a solid effect upon who I am or my being, because it is here I have everything I need to eat with. Catalytically speaking everything is complete. I even have measuring spoons that I am not fully appreciating, which I can use for baking and this special alchemical cooking.

But I have much more to go in that regard because I have a sense of them, but I don’t really understand or see myself applying these spoons like they could be applied. And therefore I select one that I think is possibly expendable. Had I been more aware of them I may not have taken one of those either, but I do need a spoon in terms of this transitioning going back and forth. 

I can’t risk losing the sterling spoons that are truly catalytic, but this spoon, you know, maybe I can travel back and forth with this. I don’t need this spoon where I’m going, and in that other place the spoon is expendable. But the spoon is necessary here in manifestation. 

So, that’s an interesting image, isn’t it? It shows the depth of one observing parts of themselves. And instead of it being parts of one’s self that is confusing, parts of one’s self that you are trying to determine if they should abolished or thrown away, or is of no value.

Instead this is zooming in on the parts of myself that are in two states, and how it is that I need to be in the state of manifestation. And how that process works here, versus how it works in the playing of my true home where there is a clear cut knowingness that I belong there.

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