An Inner Debt

untitledThere are many types of grief and trauma in human life, both individually and as a species, but perhaps the greatest grief is that of being separated from our creator. That grief is compounded when we cut ourselves off from our purpose and design – which is a choice we each make as individuals. We all have an inner yearning to be rejoined, or “go home,” no matter how subtle it may be. Responding to that natural urge is the only way to reconcile our grief. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: I have the need, as portrayed by the first dream, to break out of the malaise. So that’s the first aspect of an imbalance. 

So what triggers this other dream, it’s like I was listening to a tape and the second part of the tape has to do with the masculine carrying a type of heartfulness, a closeness that is out of reach – as if it’s a type of raw energy. 

The feminine carries a refinement in which it’s just hidden, but the masculine is trying to rattle themselves through it. And it’s almost like there’s a greater heartfulness behind the masculine’s raw energy, at least so it appears, because they can be affected by things that look kind of peculiar to a person who has the eyes to see. That they can see that that person is not necessarily how they appear. They can be doing crazy things, but behind all of that is a heart trying to be very, very open.

And the tape I listened to discussed variables after variables, and examples after examples, of how this is to prove the point that on this way of looking at it the masculine actually carries a greater connection to the heart than the feminine – who is sitting more in an amnesia of completeness and wholeness that it can’t quite access, but is whole and complete inside of herself.

While the masculine is pulling down something directly to try to effectuate that into life, and that action has a sense of a greater heartfulness. So what happens if you don’t catch up with that greater heartfulness? What if you’re traumatized, or sitting in a state of grief or despair or something? What does that look like when you’re distant from it? 

And so in the dream I’m shown how the grief/trauma I am repressing and keeping unconscious is affecting the way I relate to wonderful people in authority. I feel I need to challenge them in some way or another. Notice I said that they were actually wonderful people. In other words, they’re not people that are doing crazy things but, nevertheless, I’m trying to find edges or issues or aspects that I can toiter with, which means you tend to taunt them.

And I’m not making any sense to anyone, including myself, as to why I think I need to do it. Because they carry something inside themselves by their actions that is whole or in balance, and I am not catching up with that inside myself because of some sort of grief or trauma, I project that deviation outwardly as a type of taunting, or challenge, or whatever, because I’m not holding myself in the energetic that I see that is more copacetic. Or, in other words, free from this quality of repression and grief that I carry. I see there are people that are free of that. 

So in the scene I see myself going after a guy who is much bigger, stronger, and quicker than me. And he tries to scurry out of the way because he doesn’t want to engage me, because if he does, he’s going to hurt me. I probably even kind of know that, but that doesn’t stop me. 

I keep after him and, if I do catch him, I will be the one who gets hurt. He will have no choice but to protect himself. So this dream is just pointing out another area in which I am imbalanced because of an excessive sorrow wound I cover over, or carry in a repressed state, and am trying to break free of it. And so I actually react to things that are too touching when I’m not ready to be touched that deeply. I rebuff it. I shut down. So I’m a bit of a catatonic danger to myself. 

For someone who doesn’t know how to look at this, they could say that I have some sort of deep down inner rant. I haven’t absorbed the wound sorrow and am taking it out on myself and others without any rhyme or reason that is readily apparent. 

The reason for this dream and the prior one is to get me to see why it is I am compelled to push myself unnaturally, in other words like project myself unnaturally to try to effectuate something in the outer, as a sense of something that I can’t quite reach. Or to carry on righteously, which in this case is actually to my detriment, which would get me beat up.

And it’s all because I’m reacting in a taunting manner to something that I can’t just naturally comply with because I have this sorrow or wound inside of me that is still triculating and hasn’t resolved itself. In other words, I put this quality over it, or tone over it. That’s how we are when we’re veiled, or whenever we have denseness in our nature, or mannerisms in our nature. 

There are things that we can’t shake and we project those things, and this is showing a kind of projection that has to do with this covering over of an ability to reach a type of clarity or sight that is there for me to be able to have found, but the non-finding of it leads to kind of a trauma and a reactivity. 

So behind this is something hidden I have not let go of, absolved, or forgiven myself for. In other words, if you’re really hard on yourself you could say there’s no excuse for you not being conscious of this, that, or the other which you can see yourself as being a little awry about. 

And, in many instances, that’s not the right attitude, either, because whatever that is may be so far yet hidden as a grief and a trauma that unless you had that at your fingertips as an energetic that you could catch up with, which basically is caught up with by way of a clarity that comes all the way straight through it – and it just goes poof. 

If you don’t catch up with that, then you can’t be taking that out on yourself either, and that’s part of what I do when I set myself up to taunt, or challenge, and run the risk of getting hurt. I’ve forgotten how to pay this inner debt to life, that’s what it really amounts to, so I act out in strange ways. 

The part that is like my brother is plagued with having to act out as if he is in a state of denial, i.e., like the prior dream. This just further covers up the amnesia, sorrow, wound. The part that is righteous keeps looking for a fight, or a means to come more to grips with this plaguing condition. 

What is positive about all of this is that deep down I have a sense that I need to break through a barrier and, when I do, I will reach an intended freedom. And this is a type of freedom that has to do with me knowing something that one needs to naturally know from somewhere else.

And then in the next little image, or dream, it’s like I wake up because you’ve made the statement, “I hope you guys can rent me again,” which is your way of saying that whatever it is that we did, we’ve blown it. It’s not like you are purposely going away. 

It’s like the state that I’m in is such that you can’t be how you would normally be, and that’s how you would normally be, and so it’s like renting you again so that you can be who you can normally be. 

This is like a statement of the feminine, and this statement is made to me and your father who have somehow hurt your feelings because you’re doing what is needed and we do something to cut that natural flow off. 

Interesting, rapport with the feminine being missing. That’s what happens when you get pouty, or righteous, or in a state of sorrow, which is a type of mood, and sorrow is more associated with a veil of feminine mannerism because it sits in sound. It’s syrupier as opposed to light, which is crisp.

So the significance of this is that the image is portraying the trauma wound imbalance that’s having something to do with how manifestation has been mistreated by some uproarious and righteous personal part of myself, or anyway some part of myself that’s off base. 

So I am not yet relating to that in a conscious reconcilable way. I feel the magnetic impulses within trying to find their way, energetically, and I guess I will have to see how that lives itself out, or makes itself known. 

In other words, how do I access the feminine that’s just naturally there? The question will be, is this something that is able to be absorbed, or is it something that has to be lived out? If it’s something that’s absorbed, means it becomes something that is natural to you and you don’t have to go through anything, it’s just there. 

If it’s something that has to be lived out that means there are still inflections, and characteristics, and qualities that have to be understood and grasped in some sort of consciousness aspect of yourself. And so then you need to live it out, or utilize the outer world as the greater teacher for that to run its course.

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