A Lack of Trust

self-awareness-involutionIt takes a lot of trust in the wisdom of the universe to fully surrender our lives to higher purposes. But there is also the issue of trusting ourselves, on an inner level, to do what we say we are going to do. We all have the experience of making firm decisions in our lives, and then, somewhere down the road, we backslide and don’t honor our earlier decisions. These small failures – inner failures, that no one else may ever know about –  are not forgotten by our inner lives and, if we have a long history of doing this, it can make it difficult for our systems to trust us when do we make an important choice later in life. Yet being aware of this inner mechanic can help us see our decisions through. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: In the meditation dream I’m swept along by a situation. The situation is that I am in the outer with a lot of companions, some are older, some are younger.

The ones that are older recognize that what is going on has no real meaningfulness for them, so they go back home. So I’m still with everyone else, and this is seen to be easy for the parts of myself that must contend with the outer condition in a collective way.

It’s not easy. It’s uncomfortable is really what it is, but it’s easy to just go along with something like that. It’s uncomfortable because one’s not listening. One is just allowing something like that to be there because something in one’s succinctness to the knowingness of the essence of the Will is missing.

And so I now try to explain it. When the older parts of myself go back to where we had all been, once upon a time, originally and leaves me with the others who are still trying to find meaning in the outer, these parts that are still trying to find meaning in the outer are not enjoying life – but want to see things through energetically. In other words, as if you can go somewhere.

I would like to go home, just like the older parts of myself have done, but that is a choice that I am not able to find support for from the younger parts of myself, yet. So I carry on in the outer going through the motions. It is my hope that the younger parts of myself will realize that this isn’t going anywhere. My sense is that it kind of gets it, and it’s close to yielding, but the momentum of the outer still has a hold. It is more like a kind of trance-like condition because there isn’t much meaning in continuing on like that is doing.

So when I suggest we go back home, this more youthful part is inclined to be obstinate. In other words, I need to recognize what it is that the going back is, and am I acknowledging it to be temporary – meaning that we go back, we freshen up in some fashion, and then we go at it again. And this part feels that this is where I’m really coming from.

So it’s kind of in a “why bother?” state of mind. By that I mean it is inclined to continue with the way things are, even though there isn’t a meaningful future in this, because to go back home and then to come back at it again, in other words, to do this sort of thing where nothing changes, to this more youthful part of myself seems ridiculous.

So my more youthful part kind still may trying to still yet believe that there’s something that can change, or be done or something, remains entrenched in the outer because, even though it knows that nothing can really be done, it remains entrenched in the outer because it recognizes that this other little part of myself that’s in between the older and the younger is inclined to try to ride in between or something, or to go home and then come back, in other words, reconnoiter,

And so it’s not going to do that, so it remains entrenched in the outer because if I don’t really get it, it just as well stay the course rather than herky-jerky about. That’s a strange dream huh?

The meaning is that I am tired of not living what I perceive as being a more meaningful part of myself from within. The more wizened, or older, parts of myself get it and they let go, but the rest of me is in a daze yet. I would like to stop, and of course you feel the stop parts in terms of how something affects the heart, but seem to be under the spell of my more youthful side that is caught up in the outer – even though deep down it, too, has its qualms. So it doesn’t stop, it continues, because it’s not willing to quit temporarily only.

It feels like my decision to go home and catch up within is fickle. In other words, it’s fickle because it’s a type of lying to myself, or spiritual illusion, or whatever, but once I have done that then I just basically get back into some sort of square one, then I’ll just go back into the outer. So why bother? Consequently, by going back into the outer now, I mean I’m going back into fuddling around in some fashion like that as if there is something to be done.

There’s nothing to be done. You just have to hold the quality of something that is an inner, and you have to hold that in the outer. You don’t shift the outer to stay in the outer, as opposed to recognize the importance of the inner flow, and the inner access, is to not have any trust. It’s to act like you still have a way of steering things. Currently the spell I’m under, in terms of the outer trance, continues even though this goes against the better inner judgement.

My dilemma is: what am I going to do after I catch up with myself? Am I going to go back into my familiar outer image in a kind of a business as usual way? Because if that is where I am really coming from, then why bother just slapping the door back and forth? I should just tough it out rather than yo-yo and, of course, I mean this is the story I tell myself inside that keeps me in a spell.

The deeper effect is the spell binding trance I am in – if I do not reach the recognition that I am to stop, look, and denote where the more wizened heart of the world soul is at. Because I have given up before, doesn’t mean I will trance out again, so I should not let this sort of sloppy thinking, or spiritual illusion about it all, interfere with what I know is astir at the inner soul level of my being.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: A Lack of Trust

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