The Real Me


When we hold something, or someone, in our heart, there is a closeness and a connection that binds us and is always there. When we don’t have that feeling about people, or things, there is a sense of alienation and separation. And we may have experienced the feeling of an inner twinge when we make a decision or act in a way that goes against some inner knowingness. When we do, we suffer from it, even if it is subtle. Sometimes it has to be not-so-subtle for us to make a change in how we proceed. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: In the meditation dream I see myself as being in a setting in which I know that there is a part of myself on the verge of waking up. In other words, it hasn’t woken up.

I’m in a setting, that is kind of like a ghetto setting, of which something more is possible. I say it’s a ghetto setting because the image is that I can step into a hall and at the end of the hall is kind of a door that normally has a lock on it, kind of a barn door-like look and there’s no lock on that. All I know is that I should fix this.

I mean, this is not good. Something could come in. This is not protected, and so I bring into this corridor what is needed to fix this old, wood-like barn; I call it barn wood because it’s an old wood thing that’s solid but doesn’t have a lock on it.

And at some point I step outside and, when I step outside, I hear all kinds of noise from inside. When I come inside I can barely make out a party scampering back into his room – and that’s how I realize that this corridor is connected to all kinds of rooms that are here in this place. And it’s kind of like a little lower level, too; well, maybe it’s not a lower level, but it has a sense of a lowerness to it.

And so, of course, whatever I have pulled together there to try to rectify something that is vulnerable, you know, to fix that so that intruders or something can’t come into this space, all of my materials are gone. And so, for a split second, I’m a able to see someone scamper into a doorway down the hallway.

So I go down the hallway to where this person has scampered, I open the door and, of course, because this is kind of like a tenement setting it’s kind of like you walk into a one room outfit and there’s three people there. It’s darkish and they’ve crawled into bed; but then there’s a grandpa there.

And the grandpa seems to be up and the others have crawled into bed. Well, I need to find out what happened to the materials that were needed and necessary for fixing things because of the vulnerability, and they’ve been stolen, and my clue and lead is they have to know something about it because I saw them scampering into their room.

And so I pick up a fork, and I grab grandpa, and I ask them to tell me what happened. And no one will talk. So I stab grandpa, in the heart area, but the fork is turned so it misses the heart initially. And I plunge it all the way in. Still they stand there in a stupor, like people tend to do. You know, no one will rat on anybody, or tell me anything.

And I kind of realize, okay, they’re not parties to what took place for me to lose this, but they know who is. So then I take the fork and I turn it a little bit so that the fork will go straight into the heart. And I plunge it in, and grandpa passes out.

And that’s when one of them decides, okay, enough’s enough and proceeds to tell me what happened, that there were these couple of people that had come there with a truck and they loaded all this up. And their name is Tom and something or another, Louise or Tom or something. Well, that’s all I know, that’s all they know.

Okay, so now I feel really bad. Grandpa has come to, he’s come back, and I tell him that I’ll never do this to him again. He says, “Okay” and that’s the only moment where there’s kind of a heartfelt quality to this thing, that I reassure him that it’s over, it’s not going to happen again,

And so then I proceed, because apparently I was like the handyman or something to all of this, because I now then proceed to the office where the landlady is at for all of these tenements. And she has seen what I have gone through so she is more open, she’ll tell me, she’ll give me more information. In other words, she gives me enough information so that I can then find them.

What I wrote up about this is, when I first came out of the meditation dream I was intently aware that something was trying to come into my waking attention, but I couldn’t get it to come through. I could feel the vibration from within as being astir, but the direct access was not there. I laid back hoping to get more info, and that is when the dream image, and images created by the repressed vibration, opened up. That was the dream.

And the meaning of the dream is, I’m coming to know that in the outer I am like a creature, or person, in an outer environment that finds that the outer environment is not comfortable enough for me to put up with. It’s comfortable enough for others to stay at an amnesia and, initially, I woke up affected by the amnesia that they are in, so to speak, because I couldn’t shake out the dream, I just knew that something more had to make itself known.

And so unlike them that adjust to the surroundings of what takes place there, I have to break the veil that alienates, or keeps me from, an awareness of my need. What’s going on here is, of course, I’m able to come and go, but I am not able to extricate to a deeper meaningfulness depth which is like another step; a deeper awakening, in other words

And what is sad about it is it seems like only by a type of suffering, or stabbing of the heart, which is my way of saying things so I get an image like that, that I seem to be catalytically affected enough to break the amnesic trance. I don’t know why it has to be this way. What I went through is painful. I complain that it would have been easier if everything was just laid out, presented straightaway, but I guess maybe it’s because the struggle to stay asleep is how we find ourselves on the physical plane. In other words, we’re struggling to stay asleep, so I suppose we have to suffer until we quit that struggling to stay dense and stupid.

The dynamic difference between being laid back accepting the conditions seems to be something that jerks you out of it, or otherwise you’ll just assume, hey, it’s not so bad, and you’ll adjust and continue to stab the heart until you can’t stab the heart anymore – and have to break out of the trance, which then brings you to a state of attention in which the inner flow is quickened. Until you do this, the general outer conditions prevail, and an inner realizing, or realness, that is to be experienced vibrationally, remains in a stupor.

So, I guess you could say what happened in this imagery is, my suffering broke the trance. And, once I broke the initial prevailing veil to an inner awareness, the insight I needed can naturally flow now. The mannerisms or nuances in charge of this place, or I should say the higher self in charge of this new shifted place, see my focus and what I have gone through, opens up to tell me everything I need to know, and communicates all that is there in sufficient detail so that I will have no trouble catching up with what is missing about myself.

And  the key part of the dream is the part where my heart softened as I assure and promise grandpa that I won’t do that again, i.e., stabbing the heart. That is where a letting go finally occurs and, from there on, the flow previously pent up is able to flow and flow. This is the most important part in the dream; this is when the heart connects.

I guess this is how it works, and must work, if what is to happen is to be appreciated and felt in a heartfelt way, and to get me back to re-identifying with the inner flow and letting go of my dependency upon creature comforts that veil. Or to put my condition in other words, when I am in an outer stupor the heart is oppressed, and in my separation from the wholeness I resort to the stupidest things as one part of myself intentionally takes from another part – and thinks it can hide from the real me, a me that is a oneness and everything else is separate and reflects where it is that I am at in my stupor and delusionality. It’s interesting how I address the real me, because now I’ve tweaked something and I have to find out about that me.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: The Real Me

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