It is nearly impossible to make a spiritual journey and never experience spiritual doubt. After all, we are asking our brain and all our systems to let go of the physical reality that sits before us, and to put our whole trust into unseen aspects of life. No matter how strong our belief is, we will be tested. Yet it is just these tests that can deepen our belief, if we don’t derail ourselves completely, by helping us to realize that, without our beliefs, what we are left with is an emptiness that is unquenchable. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)
John: I also had something that kind of sat in a limbo, and so not really a meditation dream, per se. In other words, I was grappling with thought-upon-thought upon the plane of manifestation. It’s as if I had chosen to try to play act in this thought-upon-thought, as if there’s a way of finding relief that way, but I wasn’t able to do that because I know this to be futile.
And I tried and tried, as if, maybe, I had missed something, somehow, and that there really was a way to go somewhere this way. You could say this was like a due diligence dream, in other words, going back to see if you actually were too adamant or something, when I adopted the idea that manifestation, being a plane of sound, is just a thought-upon-thought reality. And, is there something more to it?
In other words, it’s an aspect, it’s a part, per se, in and of itself. It’s just thought-upon-thought, but I had to kind of go back and re-look at it. And so I was trying to prove, in a contrary way, a validness that, deep down, I knew didn’t exist.
And it’s kind of an approach. The reason why I was able to take this approach, and go back and do this, is because that’s my pattern. That’s the approach that I took a long time ago. I basically decided, like I say, by being familiar it’s the pattern in which you kind of, so to speak, go down the Jinn side of things into life, instead of stay in the angelic.
Or, you could say, it’s a type of declaring war on God, so to speak, by stepping on the momentum gas and project thought-upon-thought into the unknowingness plane of manifestation, pretending that I could sort out such a delirium – even though deep down to do so was to step upon a better judgment, in which I knew I was probably in trouble in having taken such a step, and, therefore, found myself in kind of a type of controlled waiting game.
In other words, there’s nothing I can do about it, that’s how I find myself. Once I did it, now I have to contend with it; to live it. So everyone was in their own way, when I look at others now and everything else around me, they’re all acting up as if there was something meritorious to be found in such an approach.
So instead of being odd man out or something, I threw away an inner sense of apprehension and went out into the outer flow, and, in doing so, I kept telling myself that the apprehensiveness within was getting in the way of the momentum in my thoughts. In other words, I really knew that all those who had gone before me in this way had failed, but perhaps this time I would make it work, being a God upon myself, and not let the projection of others about a higher-self phase me.
In other words, it’s like those kinds of mannerisms that people have, that they project, are kind of like an opium of the masses. That’s what religion is. That’s what I concluded, and so even on higher-self levels I concluded that it didn’t necessarily go anywhere. So this attitude, this demeanor, resulted in a battering and stabbing of the heart, knowing that something was going to have to rescue me from my plightful research project.
I knew I was lost and was messing about deliriously, so to speak, as a kind of price of readmission, in which I was going to keep on keeping on until it was proven to me the jig was up.
I’m basically describing how I came about making the Jinn side choice of the breath, and how I pushed the angelic side in the corner. The thought I held onto was that if there was something to the angelic side, it would have to prove itself to me – and I could wait. I would just wait to see.
If it didn’t, it didn’t. It’s not up to me, because I ended up coming out of the Jinn side, so you can’t go back the same way you came down. So I was going to deny the manifested environment. In other words, I find myself in kind of the plane of manifestation, in that environment, and so I wasn’t going to deny that. I was going to just go ahead and be purgatoried into it and give it the opportunity to prove itself.
So I plunged into thought-upon-thought, as if there was a missing piece, or way to find a stillness in the center of it all, when deep down knowing that such efforts would just be for naught, given the fact I was purposely here.
In other words, once I had done it I don’t go back with the same kind of Jinn approach. So it took me a long time to realize that I was always stabbing the heart when I dabbled with reflective thought, this being analogous to how smoke is a veil from the flame. To redeem and forgive, I found this to also be analogous to turning to the flame.
Or, said another way, I found that to truly be in the magnetism of an all-pervading breath I had to be with a heartfulness, free of thought, seeking to abide therein. Apparently I had to go on a sound-level journey into manifestation to consciously realize that the thought plane level is a bifurcation that veils the heart from truly seeing and hearing.
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