Searching for Something

29139er2We are generally very busy with all the things that an ongoing life requires: work, food, relationships, expenses. Yet when we slow down, or stop altogether, we may get a glimpse that this is merely a facade, that no matter how interesting or even fulfilling these aspects might be, there is something else that we still are urged to think about, to research, or to pursue. When that feeling arises, it can make us feel unhappy in our current circumstances. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So then, when I go to sleep, I find myself, as you were trying to do, in a way, there is a lilt to what you were trying to do. So I seek to go back into the meditation dream in search of what I know is seeking to come through. 

Well, in my sleep, I’m holding an attentiveness to being shown or revealed something more from within. I’m near a stillness, like you say, kind of like trying to hold one’s breath or something, but it also has a little sensation to it. So obviously, it’s not quite in the note of stillness. 

The sensation is to reach, or access, or come to grips with a level of beingness that is a new familiarity, and to denote it, and bring it into a knowingness, as if it’s just sitting there dormant in my nature. In other words, this is the around and around approach, like it’s always trying to find the center of a puzzle. You never will that way because it’s only in a stillness. The vortex is nothing in the vortex – yet I’m caught in the idea that something is always trying to reveal itself. 

In other words, you want to put a label or a noticeability upon a stillness. And yet you can’t. And you can look at somebody and how they are, but you can’t tell them what the stillness is. You can’t denote that stillness for them because anything that you denote is going to be abstractive. 

So because I was afflicted physically I explained this affliction, in my deep sleep, as being like a veil there to keep me from catching up with the something more behind it all. I had myself brainwashed, in that regard, in that if I could set aside this peculiar awkwardness sensation, that, in doing so, by having set it aside, there would be an access to something heretofore unknown, that was being veiled by this peculiar condition. 

So this fits with the meditation dream, in a way, in that when I reached a point therein in which I was uncomfortable with whatever there was to perceive, that others found interesting, and that I had been finding interesting myself – that I no longer can support – and the idea of exposing and reporting about that is also awkward, or silly, or goes nowhere, all of this is because behind it all something more is yet to be.

So, in this dream, I’m searching… this is kind of like going around, and around, and around, and around you can do this for lifetimes and never get anywhere. But in this dream that’s what I’m doing, searching for this something more, because I do not like the existing scenarios – so you’re always trying to find something.

In other words, I don’t change what is, I just have to take what is, that is happening around me, and find it mushroom, then, into something more, because I don’t like the way the existing scenario feels. In other words, it needs to have a deeper import, or impact. 

I now know why it is that I feel a subtle self-consciousness. If there isn’t some thread like that unfolding for my pacification, I guess, I actually start feeling very self-conscious to be in that space. Feels like I don’t even belong. And thus I do what I do because I am realizing just how alone I am; but I don’t want to quite admit that to myself. But, if I do, it’s what is obvious when I drop the hoopla around me, that I am inclined to endorse, or acknowledge.

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On a Tilt

Need13951So much of what we see around us, in terms of the way people act, in these times, is indicative of an inability to process the energies they are generating or connecting with. Rage, frustration, a sense of helplessness, these are all energetic states, or, we could say, powers. When we get powered by them, we can’t always control that power – that’s when bad things tend to happen – the things we end up regretting. This is why it’s always better to be for something, rather than against something, because even if we hate “hate,” we will still connect to the energy of hate. Better to connect to the energies of the positive things we want in the world. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: To start off in my dream, I’m dwelling upon this in terms of an uneasiness based upon the fact that I noticed that I’ve been able to open something up, or experience a lot of energy, that goes a long way in terms of having a sense that feels okay, or is even capable, or has an insightfulness in the outer. But I know that that’s not to be trusted, because that is still a way of portraying, or being. 

And as I have been noticing that I am able to move around in the outer more naturally, in other words, by that I mean just moving around with more energy and such, noticing that, and having gotten you might say addicted, or attached, or having an affinity for that, I’ve also been noticing that there comes a point when this, too, is a state or a quality that’s over the top. In other words, okay, so what, kind of thing? Enough is enough of that, as well. 

So, because I have the energy at my disposal to work with, the fact that I have shaken it out, or brought it, out or gotten it so it’s invibed into the situation, it’s as if, in terms of doing that, I can go along with this – as if it is okay, vibrationally speaking. That’s what I’m trying to convince myself with, but I can’t. And I guess the reason why I can’t is because I have this sense that all of this is a type of projection and it cloaks something deeper, within, each person being from however they are is still caught in their own projectiveness.

So there are times when my over-the-top energy is so all over the place that I can even denote a drunken quality to it, a staggering drunken quality to the energy. And when I note this drunken quality, even deeper down, I feel that behind this drunken quality is something. 

But anyway, the drunkenness, as an energetic, is like an unconsciousness too, in that both share the fact that there is more yet to go, behind that, that has to be embodied, in a way, held in a stillness in an embodiment. And, when it is, it’s grounded, and that when I am drunken, it’s stigmatic to the fact that I’ve gotten myself overwhelmed vibrationally. It’s almost like a Kundalini energy in the inner, or something, has gotten overly loud and isn’t rooted. And when I am unconscious, just like when I am drunken, almost as if they’re kind of the same, what they have in common is that you’re not keeping up with something right there in the present.

So, in other words, both are true. Vice versa is also true. Much like they are flip sides of the same coin, that whenever I’m drunken energetically, or literally, even, I am not embracing and embodying a knowingness that I touch, unconsciously, in the outer. You can really sit and kind of know what’s truly going on in terms of everything that there is, as if there is this revelational dance from the stillness. 

The dilemma I face is I am noticing that when I am able to touch unconsciousness with an innocent freedom, but not access a closeness, or be fluid vibrationally in a grounded way, I’m just not able when I do that to be grounded in a grounded way. And another way of describing the condition I am in, energetically, is, when one speeds up, I am still giving into outer as a projection, just speeded up more, where you have more dexterity and sense of being able to be over at the top, and doing so in a way that’s more than the eye can see. Yet you’re not really capable of embodying it. 

In other words, it’s just the delusionality of playing in something where the Kundalini energy comes out, per se, and you still have the physicality and the identification of that, to be very, very careful because there is a hint to why it is like that. And the hint is that this is like a type of tilt, and there’s actually a type of tenseness in this tilt, or if you have a belief system, a righteousness, which is all a type of density, it’s a type of identification, and if you sit with it, if you’re still with that, if you try to set that aside, you realize that you’re meant to be present, that there is something behind this, yet. 

And that’s why there’s a frustration; that’s why there’s a tension. That’s why there’s being a little on tilt. And why, in the heightened sense of the word, there’s even a self-consciousness there, because you haven’t shaken it out, in an overall pervasive way, the depths of a greater insightfulness, of which there’s only one depth to that, and that is the depth that is totally still. 

The image I see, that is reflective to what I am describing as an energetic dilemma, is I am meant to wear matching earrings, and not have an overly large earring in one of my ears and not the other. I mean, that’s kind of a strange image.

So the deeper meaning is behind all of this imbalance, energetically, are other levels of aliveness. In other words, that’s really the sense. That was the theme. Something behind all of this, that is something more, that one has finally gotten to the point where they have to touch these other levels of aliveness, that you have not yet reached, yet you know are there. 

And the deeper answer is, I’m not bringing into the heart a level of beingness in need of coming from inner into outer, which is the stillness, which is the mirroring.

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Like a Circus

circucoThere are many phases in a life. We find something that interests us, we pursue it, giving it our time and attention. After a certain amount of time, something in us changes, it shifts, and whatever it was that fascinated us no longer applies. Suddenly what had captivated us becomes a noise to us, and we see it as too time-consuming, or too draining of our energy, and we move on. A spiritual path may say to us: everything, eventually, will feel like that, until we connect to our inner stillness. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

Jeane: Well, in my dreams last night, I felt like I was always male, a young man. And, initially, it feels like I’m more on the outskirts of a village, going back and forth to the house of someone who lives in the village. It’s almost like I’m trying to gather up something so I can travel on. But I feel a little bit like an outsider, like I have to stay a little bit hidden so I can keep traveling on. 

And then it seems to shift slightly, whereas I’m part of a group. It feels almost like a circus group where you’re using trapezes and things, so you need somebody else to send something over to you that you catch, so that you can travel across the distance. But those of us who are younger in the troop aren’t quite as trusting maybe of some of the people that are older. 

The younger men are working together right now. You’re not sure about your resources, whether there’s enough. Because so much of this seems to take place at night, I don’t really get a really clear image of what’s happening, I get more of a sensation. And we seem to be moving towards something. 

Well, then, as we’re moving towards something, it’s more like we’re part of an army than a circus group. And then some of the old men, who were like leaders before, have joined in, and that was a bit of a problem, because I feel like they might be shorting us on some things, or they might have a little bit more of their own agenda that was older. 

And, usually, in order to travel across this space and catch something, or go fast enough, you have to have a certain amount of trust. And I’m not sure as much with the older men if there aren’t old agendas; I don’t have quite as much trust in that we can be part of this group and still travel safely back and forth the way we do. It’s like part of me wants to break away from it.

John: So the theme of the dreaming last night had to do with trying to bring into fruition, or consciousness, or a sense of awareness, another level of beingness to be in, as if the existing situation had gotten mundane, or was a bit like a circus, or lacked something more. In other words, one had caught up with what one needed to catch up with in order to realize that there was the need to reach something much, much more.

Now, the interesting thing that you’re pointing out is that as you come to realize that there is more to access, or to realize, you are finding that to overcome a quality of self-consciousness, of needing to be part of a circus, or a troupe, that such an identification, which is no longer acceptable to you, wherever you appear you see something, maybe it’s interesting as part of a larger something else, army or something, it still has some semblance of an influence. And that influence goes maybe back to more than what you know, maybe it’s something that stretches beyond, let’s say, your innocence, in comparison to something like this. 

And that when you have set aside a certain kind of appeasement that you had been seeking, and had reached, and was now ready for something more, and now you look at this other which maybe you never really looked at before, you realize that that is also in a kind of bifurcation, in terms of its beingness, it’s just got an older mannerism to it, in which how it’s seeking to be, or relate, or come across, it’s just in another kind of motif. And that motif is designed to influence you yet anew. 

So not only was this theme about trying to shake out, or get beyond, the current condition that had gotten a little stale, but it was also designed to access or reach something so much more inside of yourself. And, in the endeavor to access something more inside of yourself, you’re having trouble finding that there is anything that you can lay claim to as a goal, or opening-up agenda, because in setting aside something that had run its course, and you no longer needed that anymore to appease a kind of self-consciousness that had required that, you now are seeing this other and you’re actually seeing the limitations of it. 

You’re seeing that maybe where you might have put it into a type of pedestal in your seeking, because this whole thing is about trying to access something more, and as you approach or try to do that, you seem to find that however and wherever you look, and to whatever depth you go, you just find that maybe it’s more sophisticated, or older, or subtler, or whatever it is, but it’s still something that, in and of itself, which you may have put on a pedestal, which you may have thought was something before – even that, too, doesn’t do it for you.

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