Searching for Something

29139er2We are generally very busy with all the things that an ongoing life requires: work, food, relationships, expenses. Yet when we slow down, or stop altogether, we may get a glimpse that this is merely a facade, that no matter how interesting or even fulfilling these aspects might be, there is something else that we still are urged to think about, to research, or to pursue. When that feeling arises, it can make us feel unhappy in our current circumstances. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So then, when I go to sleep, I find myself, as you were trying to do, in a way, there is a lilt to what you were trying to do. So I seek to go back into the meditation dream in search of what I know is seeking to come through. 

Well, in my sleep, I’m holding an attentiveness to being shown or revealed something more from within. I’m near a stillness, like you say, kind of like trying to hold one’s breath or something, but it also has a little sensation to it. So obviously, it’s not quite in the note of stillness. 

The sensation is to reach, or access, or come to grips with a level of beingness that is a new familiarity, and to denote it, and bring it into a knowingness, as if it’s just sitting there dormant in my nature. In other words, this is the around and around approach, like it’s always trying to find the center of a puzzle. You never will that way because it’s only in a stillness. The vortex is nothing in the vortex – yet I’m caught in the idea that something is always trying to reveal itself. 

In other words, you want to put a label or a noticeability upon a stillness. And yet you can’t. And you can look at somebody and how they are, but you can’t tell them what the stillness is. You can’t denote that stillness for them because anything that you denote is going to be abstractive. 

So because I was afflicted physically I explained this affliction, in my deep sleep, as being like a veil there to keep me from catching up with the something more behind it all. I had myself brainwashed, in that regard, in that if I could set aside this peculiar awkwardness sensation, that, in doing so, by having set it aside, there would be an access to something heretofore unknown, that was being veiled by this peculiar condition. 

So this fits with the meditation dream, in a way, in that when I reached a point therein in which I was uncomfortable with whatever there was to perceive, that others found interesting, and that I had been finding interesting myself – that I no longer can support – and the idea of exposing and reporting about that is also awkward, or silly, or goes nowhere, all of this is because behind it all something more is yet to be.

So, in this dream, I’m searching… this is kind of like going around, and around, and around, and around you can do this for lifetimes and never get anywhere. But in this dream that’s what I’m doing, searching for this something more, because I do not like the existing scenarios – so you’re always trying to find something.

In other words, I don’t change what is, I just have to take what is, that is happening around me, and find it mushroom, then, into something more, because I don’t like the way the existing scenario feels. In other words, it needs to have a deeper import, or impact. 

I now know why it is that I feel a subtle self-consciousness. If there isn’t some thread like that unfolding for my pacification, I guess, I actually start feeling very self-conscious to be in that space. Feels like I don’t even belong. And thus I do what I do because I am realizing just how alone I am; but I don’t want to quite admit that to myself. But, if I do, it’s what is obvious when I drop the hoopla around me, that I am inclined to endorse, or acknowledge.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: Searching for Something

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