Nothing Clicks

There may be many reasons why we “can’t go home again,” but one aspect is it is likely that we have changed more than the place we left behind, and that difference makes it difficult to relate in the same way we once did. In this dream it is the old part of town versus the newly developed areas, but these are symbolic of any person, place, or thing that we have outgrown because of our ongoing development. This is another reason why, particularly in these times now, we must carry our home, our town, in the stillness inside of us, otherwise it can be hard to feel at home wherever we might go. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: In my meditation dream, the image is it’s as if I’m going back to some sort of reunion in this town or area that I had been in long, long ago. But whatever it is that’s going on here, the way it is going on, it is not how I choose, or am able to recognize it because those changes are indulgences, in my opinion, from a basic, established, overall status quo that emanates something that is set and stable. 

However, because the place has changed, I hardly recognize some of the outskirts of what has become a bigger city, I hardly know my way about that, I am more oriented to the downtown. And, as a consequence, it’s hard for me to recognize what the others are doing here because they have moved into the outer, meaning they look at the strip that extends from the city and put there attention there, which has evolved over time.

No matter how I try to fit in with this approach, or interest, of those and these are people who have stayed in this place and have not taken on anything more that is part of exposure, and they then are as they are, which for me just doesn’t work. Although they don’t know any different so they try to include me, but it just doesn’t come together for me like this anymore. My heart, and my attention, just isn’t in it. 

And for them what they perceive to do, to go to the strip malls and places, to a hill in the distance, this is all understandable from their perspective, in terms of what you do. In other words, they cannot see why it is that I am so removed from this way of proceeding, and being. Well no matter what I do, I cannot get myself into motion that goes like that, that functions like that, anymore. I know that somehow there is something on an inner heartfelt level that is out of sync. 

However, I do also have a dilemma because it seems like the basic downtown area is fairly insipid, and benign, and doesn’t have any action going on either, in a way I can see why they might be striking out. And so when it’s like that, in a way, as much as I might try to see if there’s a way that I can be with them, I can’t, I can’t find that. Because in order to engage into this other stuff, something would have to click for me as if that is meaningful – and nothing does. 

Because I can’t get that to happen, meaning I just cannot bring myself into such compliances, I’m kind of sitting there, not in that which is what has evolved over time as the strip, nor is there something in the city that I can see; it has it’s basic vibration that is set, but that’s it. Nothing to do.

Of course the schematic is that everyone’s got to do something apparently. Yet, I still can see myself as being in the old part of town, which is out of touch with current circumstances in life and hasn’t evolved in this other capacity way. And so it’s as if this other capacity weighs on some other different memo or something.

I’m invited to go where they are at to celebrate, and party, and be engaged. But I just don’t have any component interest to do so. It’s just not something that registers for me. In fact, it’s so bad that I can’t even go along with the motions because that, too, strains something; it’s not being true to myself. 

I am in this condition, which is like out of touch, I see myself out of touch, they don’t see me as out of touch, they’re willing to include me in there. But I feel so out of touch to all of that, that I find it hard to move. It is as if there is something wrong with me, as if I’m worn out, or as if I am shut off. I don’t know how else to explain why I am unable to identify like that, anymore, no matter how things are thrown at me.

When I push myself to try to be in a place that is natural for them, and that is in keeping with the way they are, the problem I have for my heart is it just isn’t there like that, in an outward speaking way. Or, in that kind of outward speaking way. 

If I beat up on myself trying to compel myself to conform there is a bewilderment that sets in. I cannot be like that anymore, meaning that what is going on around me is no longer relatable to me, energetically speaking. It is as if I am being pushed in another direction and need to allow myself to be shifted and shaped accordingly. 

I’m hanging out. In other words I can’t buy into this other, and so I’m inclined to just sit or to just be still, which means that I appreciate the old part of town, but I don’t know why. I mean, because there’s nothing there other than the fact that it’s always been like that. Yet I cannot tell you where this goes, or what that is going to look like someday, all I know is I cannot partake of all of the activities that have gotten construed out from this basic center.

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