If we were to completely let go, all at once, it would feel to us like being in free fall. Most of us wouldn’t like that feeling, so we would tighten ourselves up and resist it, rather than opening our arms and feeling the freedom of the wind. This is the inner struggle we wage to let go of our desire for ego control and to embrace the flow of universal grace. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: What I did, which started off for me to experience the state of spaciousness, or expansiveness, or in-breath quality, is a type of deliriousness. 

In other words, in the meditation dream, I’m trying to determine how to orient myself in an overallness. But I’m in the spaciousness, how do I orient myself? I know that somehow that that’s my motif, I’m used to orienting, pulling something down into a rootedness, or definition or something. How do I do that? 

So the feeling of being out of balance, in the overallness before me, is a sensation on the in-breath, as an imbalance. As a kind of, more than imbalance, it’s being in a state of having to sort something out because it’s overwhelming in its bewilderment. 

What is going on is I am seeking to perceive how to feel okay in life before me, like we’re always trying to make our world jell when the circumstances are overwhelming, and the circumstances are overwhelming because I’m in an in-breath. 

Basically, the schematic of evolvement is that you do an out-breath coming down, and apparently must have some cognition of in-breath. Or at least something happens to where the cognition of the in-breath comes into a greater predominance, and the out-breath stuff doesn’t work as well anymore. And so things can fall apart. 

And when things fall apart, then you find yourself in a scramble to try to find an orientation. And you try to find that orientation again in some new shifted way, inside of yourself, because you can’t quite do what you had been doing. You kind of know better, maybe you didn’t know better when it actually worked more for you. When you crack up a little bit like that, it’s a little bit like having a breakdown, you find yourself having to yet sort out the spaciousness. And you’re used to control; you’re used to having something shipshape. 

So to be out of control, vibratorally, is the result of not being able to come to grips with one’s whereabouts in the outer – like you’re used to doing. And thus you can have this insecurity that plagues, vibratorally speaking, because everything is up in the air. 

So in the dream, this seeking of access, within the schematic of a greater overallness, denotes that there is something missing about your usual way of trying to contract. A contraction that you probably could even say is a type of linear groundedness. But you cannot find it, this greater overallness, in the surroundings anymore. In other words, because your surroundings have shifted, something has changed. And so you’re in a sensation in which there is an instability because it’s a bewildering overallness. 

So, in the dream, I took the sensation to an extreme. Usually, this is like a type of self-image issue. In other words, you don’t know who you are, so you don’t know how to maintain a demeanor or find a demeanor in there. And so it really can feel awkward if you’re used to having some sense of control for your natural orientation. But where is that? 

Now what is really, really bad is the person has to continue to pretend even when it’s all blown to smithereens. That’s really, really bad because then you look actually silly because people can feel something that’s not quite balanced. 

So what is going on is, in the working backwards to catch up with an outer-self orientation, because that’s what I’m still trying to do, in other words, I’m not willing to sit in this greater spaciousness. I still want to identify or find an identification of self, instead of seeing the identification of self and everything outside of myself, and being able to keep going into a greater and greater, to the point that I hit an absolute letting go. I’m looking for the sensation of gravitating to where things fit back in. 

This dilemma is compounded when a control fear predominates. And the fear predominates when you’re used to being in control and you’re in this other bewilderment. It’s a very strange feeling to be overwhelmed within an outer scenario, whereby the soul is struggling to find itself anew and you’re not used to letting it find itself anew. You’re used to having things nailed down.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: Self-Orientation

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