Posts Tagged ‘haunted by old wounds’

spiritual-psychology-finalWhen we speak of letting go in a spiritual journey, it is because many of the psychologies and defense mechanisms we have established in ourselves prevent us from being who and what we truly are.  We all know the moment when we say or do something that, in retrospect, we know isn’t really us. Well, the universe needs us to really be “us,” in the sense that we are not operating from old wounds, but from an openness and ability to respond to what is actually happening in the moment. And we can let go of those barriers when we understand that they are not useful to our journey, and we put them down, gently, every time they arise in us, replacing them with our greater purpose. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So, in the meditation dream, I come to look at life as if I’m able to see it through the eyes of how chess is, like a chess game. So I proceed through a series of chess games, and the energetic theme is for me to see the process in which the energetic aliveness can be truly there.

So first there is kind of like the dream in which there has to be a defined winner or loser, you feel the intensity of that. And so when it has to be like that, clear distinctions like that, the heart is going to get hurt. It’s going to hurt, and the result is apt to be a lasting wound that will take a long time to recover from.

And it doesn’t matter whether the wound is a stab or a victory. Either way you carry something that is outside of a simple process and intertwined flow, and, when you carry that, the idea of a kind of a coming together is denied for a long, long time.

And then two, there is the game, the chess game, that is played for fun – but a lot of apprehension exists because of a fear over the outcome. In other words, to embarrass yourself, or you won’t hold up to a certain ideal or whatever, which, of course, then that as you can see is another limitation that’s imposed upon the heart.

And then there is the compromised game, that is played off to one side, in which what happens is deemed to have a significant meaningfulness, and that there are consequences. This, too, hurts the heart because there is no freedom.

And then there is the game that’s played reluctantly because to not play the game seems to be another kind of compromise. In this game, there’s a part of myself that is holding back and is defensively veiled.

Finally, there is the game that is played in the center of the road for all to see. There are no handlers. There is just a focus and attention. There is no winner or loser, just the experiencing of that which is unfolding. In this game, the energetic intertwines as an extension of each person who is putting their heart on the line, and a graciousness, thereby, predominates.

However, the aliveness will be lost if there is some sort of definition, such as the need to keep score, which creates a separation from that naturalness of the inner and outer one beingness. So what I’m talking about is, in terms of the fifth game, is it’s a game that’s rarely played. The reason is because all of the other games are designed around a saving-face limitation. These are compromises. They are like a compromise, a fear, or an aspect of ego in each of those games and, in those games, the heart suffers under a veil in some fashion or another.

It’s just this final game where the heart is placed on the table, or in this case in the center of the road for all to see, that something is different in terms of now a greater overallness. You’re actually more free in this game right. The other dreams are holding onto, or holding out, as if there is a definable truth. They all have burdens: a) the game is never played, is a burden. I mean that was one aspect that I didn’t mention earlier. The game is never played. In other words, it had been played once upon a time. There’s a memory of it, and so then the weakness, but you allow a weakness to thus predominate in life, or b) if the game is a duel, then a duality predominates as a broken half truth, or c) if there is fear, then the letting go gets lost, and d) if there are conditions, then the openness is lost.

So if I feel I am compelled, or forced, to play because I cannot stand the alternatives, such a reluctancy presides for what is truly possible. Okay, so the bifurcation. The freedom is only when all the choices are on the table for all to see, no matter what happens, so that there is no winner or loser, an out in the open wonderment, then, and only then, can the free flow embrace the heart. All other approaches carry an attention that goes outside the heart and lead to an estrangement in some way or another.

So now I have to progress this. So when I come to bed the first thing that happens is I have to denote that from the meditation dream there were memories of having been restrained by denseness and darkness. It’s actually visualized in a sleep dream as a type of darkness. And those memories haunt me as if very fresh to my being.

The first part of my sleep dream is about having to contend, having to be afflicted, finding myself afflicted, trying to sort out, trying to mitigate whatever such limitations, and the progress in denoting, or trying to see how I’m denoting, a progress that I’m slowing making that work as part of working this out.

The result is a demeanor that takes on a quality, takes on a limitation, in that you can still have a stigma about yourself in which there’s a part that refuses to be denied. In other words, if you’ve broken through to some degree, that refusal to be denied is like an entitlement. For example, I push to the front of lines and feel that I’m entitled to get an early jump on crossing the street or something. I’m like this because the repressed conditions that I have a memory of, or are accustomed to being under, have left a mark upon my beingness. I have trouble letting go and being completely natural as a result of such suppressions of the past.

Well the reason for the dream is the barriers I faced in my formative years have left a stigma on my nature. I used to play chess for the inner enjoyment it offered. My innocence got compromised at an early age and, as a result, I have an edginess about me that gets in the way of letting go and trusting in a natural inner free flow. In the meditation dream I identify a number of the nuances that have affected me. The vibratory wounds are like a memory which makes it difficult to let go and accept the openness, and vulnerability, needed to bring the overallness of my nature into life.

And so this meditation dream revelation is, I was meant to realize that I need to be fearless and open to all of life as an open book for all to see and reach,meaning, or suggesting, and indicating, and pointing out that I’m not yet able to let go to an inner free flow where all is well. Or, to put it more bluntly, woundology memory is still stigmatizing.

So what that indicates is to let go of barriers I impose in the outer is something I am able to vibrationally recognize as a need on an inner dream level. So I’m able to see the need of taking this, as a degree of inner to outer awareness, to the next step. And, of course, the next step is living it, but I do not yet live it because I have a ways to go in letting go. I am still watching the way the defense mechanisms are haunting my overall beingness. It is as if I am still in a kind of rebellious teenage phase, so to speak, not yet ready to be me.

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