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Posts Tagged ‘healing old wounds’

We all have old wounds that still play out in our lives, some from very specific, unforgettable scenarios in our past, and some from forgotten episodes that have receded into the fog of memory. When current events trigger these old wounds, our automatic response can go in one of two main directions: it can be to do exactly the opposite as a way of negating the original wound, or we can manifest our own version of what caused the wound, thereby carrying on the legacy. By making ourselves more conscious of how these deep emotional traits work through us, we can lessen the effect that they have upon us and others. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So the sleep dream is quite wild, too. In this dream, a teacher of a painting class – this being a teacher that lacks a certain sensitivity in terms of how they conduct themselves – is pounding her ideas on how to paint, or how to appreciate, to the point that I go the other direction. I’m overpowered by it because it’s too loud. 

So I shut down, and, when I shut down, then I don’t really learn anything. Then I become amnesic and a dullard, which when you close off like that means that her beating-up antics come across as even more adamant. And instead of this working it just pushes me into a stupidity shell. And I stay that way, in this dream, for a long, long time.

Eventually, when I come out of the shell, I have accessed an inner clarity that has woken up, that was sitting there, that I had been protecting apparently when I went into the shell, even. In other words, I couldn’t have this kind of clarity there and this bullying, or this demeanor, this note that was coming across there at the same time. 

So when I come out of the shell I have accessed this inner clarity pent up inside. Plus, when I come out, or wake up, I go around and have the common sense, the inclusiveness, to ask others for their opinion in order to augment a sense that I can tell is of something more yet, that is still missing.

I reach inside for an adaptability that had been pent up and repressed and, in finding it, I am not going to let go of this sight by shrinking away again. So I come out with what I know with a loudness that has the same demeanor of intensity as the teacher had with me when she attempted to pound in her approach and smothered me instead. Only when I come into my own I am able to stretch more than she could ever do, and, as a result of such stretching, experience an inner access is not just incredible but passes her right by. 

I am not only adaptable to the situation, but I also fill in an insight that had been missing. The problem is, now that the personality-approach is on the other foot, the intensity or the intolerance, a kind of intolerance that was part of the package, now that things are on the other foot this comes across as me bullying her. And the thing that is most sad about this is that because of a dexterous and greater overall nature that I can access within, I can pour the bullying on in a way that is even more accentuated than she could have ever imagined. 

So the meaning is, this too is a repeat dream. In other words I’ve had this before, which indicates that based upon an abusive process in my past, which was a bullying intolerance, that when I awaken from my beat down, out-of-touch amnesia, the insight and depth within comes out of me with the same general quality that had deeply wounded me long ago. 

Point being: based upon a shadow level of previous intolerance imposed upon me, when I wake up consciously from an amnesia inner stupor, my sight carries with it, instead of just the natural intertwined graciousness, a lording-over arrogant-looking note in the mannerism that harkens back to the bullying I endured long ago that got pent up within, inadvertently, and is an unresolved wound.

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spiritual-psychology-finalWhen we speak of letting go in a spiritual journey, it is because many of the psychologies and defense mechanisms we have established in ourselves prevent us from being who and what we truly are.  We all know the moment when we say or do something that, in retrospect, we know isn’t really us. Well, the universe needs us to really be “us,” in the sense that we are not operating from old wounds, but from an openness and ability to respond to what is actually happening in the moment. And we can let go of those barriers when we understand that they are not useful to our journey, and we put them down, gently, every time they arise in us, replacing them with our greater purpose. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So, in the meditation dream, I come to look at life as if I’m able to see it through the eyes of how chess is, like a chess game. So I proceed through a series of chess games, and the energetic theme is for me to see the process in which the energetic aliveness can be truly there.

So first there is kind of like the dream in which there has to be a defined winner or loser, you feel the intensity of that. And so when it has to be like that, clear distinctions like that, the heart is going to get hurt. It’s going to hurt, and the result is apt to be a lasting wound that will take a long time to recover from.

And it doesn’t matter whether the wound is a stab or a victory. Either way you carry something that is outside of a simple process and intertwined flow, and, when you carry that, the idea of a kind of a coming together is denied for a long, long time.

And then two, there is the game, the chess game, that is played for fun – but a lot of apprehension exists because of a fear over the outcome. In other words, to embarrass yourself, or you won’t hold up to a certain ideal or whatever, which, of course, then that as you can see is another limitation that’s imposed upon the heart.

And then there is the compromised game, that is played off to one side, in which what happens is deemed to have a significant meaningfulness, and that there are consequences. This, too, hurts the heart because there is no freedom.

And then there is the game that’s played reluctantly because to not play the game seems to be another kind of compromise. In this game, there’s a part of myself that is holding back and is defensively veiled.

Finally, there is the game that is played in the center of the road for all to see. There are no handlers. There is just a focus and attention. There is no winner or loser, just the experiencing of that which is unfolding. In this game, the energetic intertwines as an extension of each person who is putting their heart on the line, and a graciousness, thereby, predominates.

However, the aliveness will be lost if there is some sort of definition, such as the need to keep score, which creates a separation from that naturalness of the inner and outer one beingness. So what I’m talking about is, in terms of the fifth game, is it’s a game that’s rarely played. The reason is because all of the other games are designed around a saving-face limitation. These are compromises. They are like a compromise, a fear, or an aspect of ego in each of those games and, in those games, the heart suffers under a veil in some fashion or another.

It’s just this final game where the heart is placed on the table, or in this case in the center of the road for all to see, that something is different in terms of now a greater overallness. You’re actually more free in this game right. The other dreams are holding onto, or holding out, as if there is a definable truth. They all have burdens: a) the game is never played, is a burden. I mean that was one aspect that I didn’t mention earlier. The game is never played. In other words, it had been played once upon a time. There’s a memory of it, and so then the weakness, but you allow a weakness to thus predominate in life, or b) if the game is a duel, then a duality predominates as a broken half truth, or c) if there is fear, then the letting go gets lost, and d) if there are conditions, then the openness is lost.

So if I feel I am compelled, or forced, to play because I cannot stand the alternatives, such a reluctancy presides for what is truly possible. Okay, so the bifurcation. The freedom is only when all the choices are on the table for all to see, no matter what happens, so that there is no winner or loser, an out in the open wonderment, then, and only then, can the free flow embrace the heart. All other approaches carry an attention that goes outside the heart and lead to an estrangement in some way or another.

So now I have to progress this. So when I come to bed the first thing that happens is I have to denote that from the meditation dream there were memories of having been restrained by denseness and darkness. It’s actually visualized in a sleep dream as a type of darkness. And those memories haunt me as if very fresh to my being.

The first part of my sleep dream is about having to contend, having to be afflicted, finding myself afflicted, trying to sort out, trying to mitigate whatever such limitations, and the progress in denoting, or trying to see how I’m denoting, a progress that I’m slowing making that work as part of working this out.

The result is a demeanor that takes on a quality, takes on a limitation, in that you can still have a stigma about yourself in which there’s a part that refuses to be denied. In other words, if you’ve broken through to some degree, that refusal to be denied is like an entitlement. For example, I push to the front of lines and feel that I’m entitled to get an early jump on crossing the street or something. I’m like this because the repressed conditions that I have a memory of, or are accustomed to being under, have left a mark upon my beingness. I have trouble letting go and being completely natural as a result of such suppressions of the past.

Well the reason for the dream is the barriers I faced in my formative years have left a stigma on my nature. I used to play chess for the inner enjoyment it offered. My innocence got compromised at an early age and, as a result, I have an edginess about me that gets in the way of letting go and trusting in a natural inner free flow. In the meditation dream I identify a number of the nuances that have affected me. The vibratory wounds are like a memory which makes it difficult to let go and accept the openness, and vulnerability, needed to bring the overallness of my nature into life.

And so this meditation dream revelation is, I was meant to realize that I need to be fearless and open to all of life as an open book for all to see and reach,meaning, or suggesting, and indicating, and pointing out that I’m not yet able to let go to an inner free flow where all is well. Or, to put it more bluntly, woundology memory is still stigmatizing.

So what that indicates is to let go of barriers I impose in the outer is something I am able to vibrationally recognize as a need on an inner dream level. So I’m able to see the need of taking this, as a degree of inner to outer awareness, to the next step. And, of course, the next step is living it, but I do not yet live it because I have a ways to go in letting go. I am still watching the way the defense mechanisms are haunting my overall beingness. It is as if I am still in a kind of rebellious teenage phase, so to speak, not yet ready to be me.

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John: So in our last two posts we have been looking at the process of bringing light into the darker aspects of ourselves (see Coal into Diamonds and An Explosive Situation). The dream imagery first showed this as bringing coal out of a basement (from an inner depth). The next image showed you trying to manage the fear of live hand grenades.

The hand grenade image speaks of the potential danger in opening up the Pandora’s box of our inner selves. Yet it is a process that’s critical to spiritual development because we need to become conscious of our intentions and thought processes, i.e., we have to gain awareness of the personal training and history that often controls our reactions and decisions.

Now, in the last image of An Explosive Situation, you saw what seemed to be stagnant water running clear and pure – signaling that something must be changing. But it’s hard to accept that anything’s changing in us because we can never be sure. The next time you look at an inner issue, after having given it some time (under the blankets), after trying to sift through all of that, you’re never sure whether it’s going to go off or not (like a grenade), or whether you’ve really overcome it.

Yet as a consequence of approaching it in this way, you can actually reach a point where you’ve created a process of purification. What your dream is doing is using a play on words, in terms of what’s alive and what’s dead: the water, the water bug, and the frog. An aliveness can be described as something that no longer has to sit in a state where it reacts to everything (like we do with our ingrained patterns).

Instead, it sits in a purity, which can appear as a stillness, from our perspective of time and space. That’s why the bug and the frog can appear to be dead, and in purity there is a death. You’ve died to the world, so to speak.

But the imagery also shows something that’s very different, in that the water is then seen as pure and everything is amazing, and it sits in a stillness. And even in that condition, where something has become purified in its overall nature, you’re never really sure that it has.

Can it move (swim away)? Does it still have an action that could go off and be like the old pattern, or is it really as still and yet alive in that purity as it could possibly be?

Jeane: One of the things I remember is that the children in the dream seem to know where the grenades are but they wouldn’t tell the adults. Then at one point I overheard the conversation of one of the women in the house, whose feelings were hurt because she found out that one of the men she liked was dating other women in the group. I remember thinking there was a time in my life when that could have been me finding out something like that, or I might have chosen a man like that, but I’m not like that anymore.

John: Well, there’s a natural acceptance to things in the flow in the outer. That’s where the statement comes up, “in the greatest surrender is the greatest freedom.” If you view it from an outer perspective it actually means you’re more vulnerable and, as a consequence of being more vulnerable, stuff is going to happen to you.

But from an inner perspective, you’re less vulnerable. If you’re more subjective, and if you just let things go, you actually have, at a depth inside, access to a universal grace. It’s like the idea in the Bible about the lilies of the field, i.e., even they are looked after.

It’s like that with children as well. It’s the younger part of you in the dream that’s not entangled with the world and that knows where the grenades are; there’s no worry. As we go through life, we develop a woundology through our experiences. It’s the child part of us that knows to just let it be, that it’s all fine. And so it’s the children that seem to have the greatest sense about how to trust and be at ease with what’s unfolding, not the adults.

The adults still have their conceptualizations from the past and perhaps bad memories of this and that. That part of the dream is showing you that this greater depth inside is what you need to feel and what you need to connect with.

What’s interesting about this part is it’s kind of joyful, it has a gleefulness to it. It can laugh at things a lot easier. The part that’s more adult is going to worry about whether those grenades could go off at any time.

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