Posts Tagged ‘healing old wounds’

spiritual-psychology-finalWhen we speak of letting go in a spiritual journey, it is because many of the psychologies and defense mechanisms we have established in ourselves prevent us from being who and what we truly are.  We all know the moment when we say or do something that, in retrospect, we know isn’t really us. Well, the universe needs us to really be “us,” in the sense that we are not operating from old wounds, but from an openness and ability to respond to what is actually happening in the moment. And we can let go of those barriers when we understand that they are not useful to our journey, and we put them down, gently, every time they arise in us, replacing them with our greater purpose. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So, in the meditation dream, I come to look at life as if I’m able to see it through the eyes of how chess is, like a chess game. So I proceed through a series of chess games, and the energetic theme is for me to see the process in which the energetic aliveness can be truly there.

So first there is kind of like the dream in which there has to be a defined winner or loser, you feel the intensity of that. And so when it has to be like that, clear distinctions like that, the heart is going to get hurt. It’s going to hurt, and the result is apt to be a lasting wound that will take a long time to recover from.

And it doesn’t matter whether the wound is a stab or a victory. Either way you carry something that is outside of a simple process and intertwined flow, and, when you carry that, the idea of a kind of a coming together is denied for a long, long time.

And then two, there is the game, the chess game, that is played for fun – but a lot of apprehension exists because of a fear over the outcome. In other words, to embarrass yourself, or you won’t hold up to a certain ideal or whatever, which, of course, then that as you can see is another limitation that’s imposed upon the heart.

And then there is the compromised game, that is played off to one side, in which what happens is deemed to have a significant meaningfulness, and that there are consequences. This, too, hurts the heart because there is no freedom.

And then there is the game that’s played reluctantly because to not play the game seems to be another kind of compromise. In this game, there’s a part of myself that is holding back and is defensively veiled.

Finally, there is the game that is played in the center of the road for all to see. There are no handlers. There is just a focus and attention. There is no winner or loser, just the experiencing of that which is unfolding. In this game, the energetic intertwines as an extension of each person who is putting their heart on the line, and a graciousness, thereby, predominates.

However, the aliveness will be lost if there is some sort of definition, such as the need to keep score, which creates a separation from that naturalness of the inner and outer one beingness. So what I’m talking about is, in terms of the fifth game, is it’s a game that’s rarely played. The reason is because all of the other games are designed around a saving-face limitation. These are compromises. They are like a compromise, a fear, or an aspect of ego in each of those games and, in those games, the heart suffers under a veil in some fashion or another.

It’s just this final game where the heart is placed on the table, or in this case in the center of the road for all to see, that something is different in terms of now a greater overallness. You’re actually more free in this game right. The other dreams are holding onto, or holding out, as if there is a definable truth. They all have burdens: a) the game is never played, is a burden. I mean that was one aspect that I didn’t mention earlier. The game is never played. In other words, it had been played once upon a time. There’s a memory of it, and so then the weakness, but you allow a weakness to thus predominate in life, or b) if the game is a duel, then a duality predominates as a broken half truth, or c) if there is fear, then the letting go gets lost, and d) if there are conditions, then the openness is lost.

So if I feel I am compelled, or forced, to play because I cannot stand the alternatives, such a reluctancy presides for what is truly possible. Okay, so the bifurcation. The freedom is only when all the choices are on the table for all to see, no matter what happens, so that there is no winner or loser, an out in the open wonderment, then, and only then, can the free flow embrace the heart. All other approaches carry an attention that goes outside the heart and lead to an estrangement in some way or another.

So now I have to progress this. So when I come to bed the first thing that happens is I have to denote that from the meditation dream there were memories of having been restrained by denseness and darkness. It’s actually visualized in a sleep dream as a type of darkness. And those memories haunt me as if very fresh to my being.

The first part of my sleep dream is about having to contend, having to be afflicted, finding myself afflicted, trying to sort out, trying to mitigate whatever such limitations, and the progress in denoting, or trying to see how I’m denoting, a progress that I’m slowing making that work as part of working this out.

The result is a demeanor that takes on a quality, takes on a limitation, in that you can still have a stigma about yourself in which there’s a part that refuses to be denied. In other words, if you’ve broken through to some degree, that refusal to be denied is like an entitlement. For example, I push to the front of lines and feel that I’m entitled to get an early jump on crossing the street or something. I’m like this because the repressed conditions that I have a memory of, or are accustomed to being under, have left a mark upon my beingness. I have trouble letting go and being completely natural as a result of such suppressions of the past.

Well the reason for the dream is the barriers I faced in my formative years have left a stigma on my nature. I used to play chess for the inner enjoyment it offered. My innocence got compromised at an early age and, as a result, I have an edginess about me that gets in the way of letting go and trusting in a natural inner free flow. In the meditation dream I identify a number of the nuances that have affected me. The vibratory wounds are like a memory which makes it difficult to let go and accept the openness, and vulnerability, needed to bring the overallness of my nature into life.

And so this meditation dream revelation is, I was meant to realize that I need to be fearless and open to all of life as an open book for all to see and reach,meaning, or suggesting, and indicating, and pointing out that I’m not yet able to let go to an inner free flow where all is well. Or, to put it more bluntly, woundology memory is still stigmatizing.

So what that indicates is to let go of barriers I impose in the outer is something I am able to vibrationally recognize as a need on an inner dream level. So I’m able to see the need of taking this, as a degree of inner to outer awareness, to the next step. And, of course, the next step is living it, but I do not yet live it because I have a ways to go in letting go. I am still watching the way the defense mechanisms are haunting my overall beingness. It is as if I am still in a kind of rebellious teenage phase, so to speak, not yet ready to be me.

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John: So in our last two posts we have been looking at the process of bringing light into the darker aspects of ourselves (see Coal into Diamonds and An Explosive Situation). The dream imagery first showed this as bringing coal out of a basement (from an inner depth). The next image showed you trying to manage the fear of live hand grenades.

The hand grenade image speaks of the potential danger in opening up the Pandora’s box of our inner selves. Yet it is a process that’s critical to spiritual development because we need to become conscious of our intentions and thought processes, i.e., we have to gain awareness of the personal training and history that often controls our reactions and decisions.

Now, in the last image of An Explosive Situation, you saw what seemed to be stagnant water running clear and pure – signaling that something must be changing. But it’s hard to accept that anything’s changing in us because we can never be sure. The next time you look at an inner issue, after having given it some time (under the blankets), after trying to sift through all of that, you’re never sure whether it’s going to go off or not (like a grenade), or whether you’ve really overcome it.

Yet as a consequence of approaching it in this way, you can actually reach a point where you’ve created a process of purification. What your dream is doing is using a play on words, in terms of what’s alive and what’s dead: the water, the water bug, and the frog. An aliveness can be described as something that no longer has to sit in a state where it reacts to everything (like we do with our ingrained patterns).

Instead, it sits in a purity, which can appear as a stillness, from our perspective of time and space. That’s why the bug and the frog can appear to be dead, and in purity there is a death. You’ve died to the world, so to speak.

But the imagery also shows something that’s very different, in that the water is then seen as pure and everything is amazing, and it sits in a stillness. And even in that condition, where something has become purified in its overall nature, you’re never really sure that it has.

Can it move (swim away)? Does it still have an action that could go off and be like the old pattern, or is it really as still and yet alive in that purity as it could possibly be?

Jeane: One of the things I remember is that the children in the dream seem to know where the grenades are but they wouldn’t tell the adults. Then at one point I overheard the conversation of one of the women in the house, whose feelings were hurt because she found out that one of the men she liked was dating other women in the group. I remember thinking there was a time in my life when that could have been me finding out something like that, or I might have chosen a man like that, but I’m not like that anymore.

John: Well, there’s a natural acceptance to things in the flow in the outer. That’s where the statement comes up, “in the greatest surrender is the greatest freedom.” If you view it from an outer perspective it actually means you’re more vulnerable and, as a consequence of being more vulnerable, stuff is going to happen to you.

But from an inner perspective, you’re less vulnerable. If you’re more subjective, and if you just let things go, you actually have, at a depth inside, access to a universal grace. It’s like the idea in the Bible about the lilies of the field, i.e., even they are looked after.

It’s like that with children as well. It’s the younger part of you in the dream that’s not entangled with the world and that knows where the grenades are; there’s no worry. As we go through life, we develop a woundology through our experiences. It’s the child part of us that knows to just let it be, that it’s all fine. And so it’s the children that seem to have the greatest sense about how to trust and be at ease with what’s unfolding, not the adults.

The adults still have their conceptualizations from the past and perhaps bad memories of this and that. That part of the dream is showing you that this greater depth inside is what you need to feel and what you need to connect with.

What’s interesting about this part is it’s kind of joyful, it has a gleefulness to it. It can laugh at things a lot easier. The part that’s more adult is going to worry about whether those grenades could go off at any time.

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John: Your dream yesterday was not surprising to me at all because my dream also dealt with the issue of abuse by those in authority. From a masculine perspective, though, in my dream I’m the abusive authority (for Jeane’s dream, see Updating the Past).

Your dream also had me wondering about the ancient history inside us. I’m from one Scottish clan and you’re from another, a clan that actually feuded with mine. We’re almost at opposite polarities.

This caused me to ponder the idea that, somehow or other, opposite polarities actually do work together more than we realize: they’re attracted in order to resolve something, or in order to pull something together. It’s like Yin and Yang or, should I say, like an electron and a proton in the atomic structure?

On a vibrational level, what does the other half, or perspective, tend to look like? We are in a position that needs to accommodate both halves, showing compassion toward the other, and knowing how to work with it, even though there has been abuse – whether by gender, by history, or by people in this specific life. How can we facilitate the resolving, or healing, of whatever it is that’s reactive to the abuse, and/or is in a position to abuse?

What I see in your imagery is that you’re drawing closer to this resolution, in terms of a historical depth within you – to the vibrational level where it sits. In my dream, the way this opens up for me is that I have to start out, symbolically, in a state or a space that then travels backward in time to where the vibration, which is unfamiliar to me, is located. That location is at some point in my history.

In the dream I’m asked to participate directly in the operation of a casino. I have some sort of bond with this place and I’m naturally invited into its power structure.  

To begin with, what I experience comes naturally. I keep gravitating more and more to the core of the operation, getting involved in the functioning of what really makes the casino tick.  

Each phase of my progress triggers memories of having been there, and having done this work, before. Eventually, though, I reach a point where I’m seen as the problem – by the average person who comes to the casino to enjoy it – and a deep anger is vented toward me.

It’s as if I’m a ruler who hasn’t done right by his people: they’ve had it and it’s time for a change. Those who operate the casino bring me right into the epicenter of the hostility. They’re very calm about it; it all comes down on me.  

I’m in a quandary because I don’t know what I did to cause such an upheaval and negative reaction. All I was doing was aspiring to a greater depth of familiarity with the casino until, in the final image, the average person sees me as the person who’s abused his authority to such a degree that I have to be replaced.  

What I find interesting is that this was an inner adventure where I kept going further and further into the depth of me. At first, it was easy and exciting, and I was progressing very quickly. I felt as if I belonged there and was meant to reach this point within myself. But then I triggered this outer reaction.

All those involved in the management of the casino were eager for me to take the position of authority. They stepped aside and the problem was mine alone, even though this problem was hidden, or dormant, until I reached this deep inner place.

This reminds me of having done something very direct and controlling (a misuse of power), that I now find deep within me a place that’s desperately in need of redemption. It’s from this deep-seated inner background that I carry the memory of the way conditions unfolded. I’m picking up on this vibration from my past. If the dream is indicative of just this vibration, then I’m to contend with the rift that was created – or the rift will contend with me.

In the dream, I reach this inner place, as if I were transported very quickly back in time to a vibration that carries a conditioned heaviness. I don’t know why the reaction feels so catatonic, but it seems to have something to do with me.

This dream is drawing me closer to this vibration, a place where confusion, pandemonium, the epitome of a breakdown in reaction dominates. In doing so I’m confronted with having to sort this out.

Just the feeling of the reactive vibration, even though I don’t have any facts about how this came to be, is a start. It would seem that the inner powers-that-be have come together, through me, to reach this point. They are entrusting me with the responsibility to sort this out or face the consequences.

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