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Posts Tagged ‘inner struggle’

sound-wavesHere is the struggle: how do we become aligned to the whole, and let go of our personal view of things? It’s a concept that is hard to grasp. But if we imagine the universe to be playing a particular song, most of us inherently know when we are out of tune. And that is where we find ourselves – out of tune with the universe. That puts us out of its flow, it creates all sorts of struggles in our lives, and it separates us from the very thing that wants us the most – and, on an inner level, that we want the most, too. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So in the dream, which I almost lost because I laid back to try to digest this, and it’s actually kind of good because then by writing this up like I did, having forgotten the other, I actually understood the vibration and then I pulled out the dream image – and I might not have gotten it if I would have done it the other way around.

So in the dream an event, that was not expected, happens. This event changes the outcome in terms of how the situation unfolds. I tell the person who is with me that this is called an uncommon event. I say that, but deep down I know that there is no such thing as an event that happens simply out of the blue. I know that somewhere inside of me I have a sense that is able to ascertain what is going to unfold.

This may not be in keeping with how I have been, or are even conceptualizing, in terms of my man-made plans. When something is about to happen that is not in keeping with how I am positioning my attention, there is an excruciating anxiety that I feel that can be stifling to the heart and the freedom it seeks.

I mean it can actually make one feel… you could almost bring on a heart attack because it’s like some part of you knows that you’re not in the right positioning and the sequence in terms of what is about to happen because you can feel in the ethers what’s about to take place. And so you can tell when you conceptually may be in a slightly different mode – and I need to listen to this inflection.

The sensation is relevant to something in the greater whole of life that comes through one. In other words, this is something that comes through everyone, it’s just whether or not you’re able to handle it. And if you’re caught in your own mannerism, you can’t handle it, and so you will suffer because it’s never going to be in keeping with your conceptualization.

So as I become more and more empty of the dense projective mannerisms that I relate to on a personal level, the more receptive I become to the sound of the universe that is constantly flowing in me. To be receptive to this is how it is I am meant to be.

The problems I have are because I get set in some notion, expectation, or mannerism that I have contrived and cause myself to believe this to be true, and set my focus upon this as if this is what is important. And when I do that then this other that is constantly in flow inside of me, that I am not receptive to, or open to, or able to allow to be there, when that is shut out because that’s meant to come through and meant to be a quickened and alive and carried in one’s nature – then one suffers.

The reason I suffer is I am not adhering to the language which is also a flow of the universe that is continuously alive in and through me, being an inner access connectivity I naturally have. The path I am on requires me to awaken to this flow, which is real. To do so I have to set aside the projections I carry that keep me estranged. I have to honor the heart which always knows from the depths of its natural connectivity to the universe. What some call synchronicity and meaningful coincidence is the natural flow I am able to be alert to, or attentive to, that keeps the connective linkage moving through me.

This is the real enlivened awareness. What I maintain or project keeps me estranged from this, and when I am estranged in a polarized extreme my heart aches or longs for me to let go. Sometimes you don’t even know your heart is longing for you to let go, you just carry a mood or something you can’t drop as a sensation – but that’s the same thing. It just has a little different pitch.

When I’m disruptive to the psyche I can make myself physically ill – and that occurs when I impose my ideas upon a situation and those ideas happen to run counter to the inner flow. I am meant to be in a receptivity that is able to know what is meant to be based upon the ever unfolding design which rises up from the depths of my connection to an overallness in the universe.

So I’m sitting kind of caught in between because I know what the common conceptualization is in terms of what is occurring in the outer, and how it typically is inclined and expected to unfold – and I know it’s not going to do that. But at the same time, I can’t break the impression that’s being imposed, and so because I can’t break that, it hurts the heart. and it’s the heart that’s telling me that this isn’t the right way to be twanging.

Then all of a sudden I figure out how it is that I’m supposed to shift and adjust and, when I do, all of that goes away. Now that’s a big challenge because once it all goes away, then one can sweep up in some other regard all over again and get light in nature and go off in this way and that way and get ungrounded again. That’s the tendency. In other words, lose a certain focus, a certain way of being, that keeps one attentive.

That can easily happen, and it’s the yo-yo effect that I keep doing over and over and over again. When you quit doing that and you actually attune yourself so that you can tell the little differentiations in which you’re not quite in the note of it all, what you’re actually doing at that time is you’re aligning yourself to a vibration that comes out of the whole.

It’s really, really hard to align yourself to a vibration that comes out of the whole because there are so many things going on all over the world all of the time that each of those has some little impinging effect that can cause a person to have a tangential perspective in that little regard or another. And the key is an assimilation and an integration that takes all of it into account and relates to it all in an overall consequence, and not singularly, because to relate to it singularly is not to take into account all of the facts, or to take into account the wholeness, because the wholeness, the largeness of it all is what is the most heartful in terms of the universe.

To take in, or to have some bifurcation or aspect can be meaningful in terms of something kind of specific, but it’s going to have a collateral effect in terms of the whole. And in that regard and actions taken in that way all have what is called a personal quality to it because it’s not open to the full access of everything that is going on simultaneously – in which you have to separate yourself from the projections in order to take in that as an overallness.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: The Sound of the Universe

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convergence-elizabeth-zaikowskiIn these scenarios, John is struggling with an inner balance. In a spiritual journey, all aspects within us must be aligned to the greater purpose, or else we will end up fighting ourselves and derailing our progress. One aspect of us may embrace change, while another aspect may resist it. Which side wins? In a sense, neither side is in the right alignment until both aspects are aligned together. Then it is a matter of listening to inner guidance rather than thinking “we” know what’s next. (At the end of this post there are instructions and a link to download this recording to your computer.)

John: So in my dream, the first one during the meditation dream is, I’m carrying the belief that things are going to be breaking down little by little. But as I observe this energy, which is flowing through the breath from within myself, I do not see the rhythm occurring. 

In other words, now all of a sudden something isn’t breaking down. I’m expecting it to be breaking down, almost as if I have adapted the conceptualization, and yet in my meditation dream it quit breaking down. And I’m so surprised by this condition that I’m waiting for the cadence to change. 

It’s almost like there’s some mistake. I have to let this dream develop more because it will break down. And finally I realize that something has shifted and I need to act abruptly to note that this change has happened. In other words, I can’t keep holding on to what I had been expecting to take place in a particular way. 

And then in the meditation dream comes this other one, too, and I’m in another part of the place I live, and in this other place where I live I tune in on what I hear is going on. And one of the things I hear is a person who is moderating the activities and lives, and like one of the octaves in life is that this person is noting, is something has changed and that they’ve got a “buy” signal on gold.

In other words, that gold’s going to go up as an aspect in life. Because I see things breaking down from the previous, but then am told that maybe that has stopped for some reason and, yeah, maybe gold could go up. So I contemplate if I should wait until later in the morning to act because the market is just now opening up and maybe I should give it some time to unfold.

And then suddenly I get the impulse in me that if I do that I will lose most of the gain. So I grab the phone to place the trade. I’m unable to call out because a woman, in another part of my place, has the line tied up. In other words, when I pick up the phone she’s on the line inside the house, too.

And she seems to need to play out the drama of making a scene, blocking me from doing what I need to do. And no matter what I do, she keeps acting dicey about this. She seems to be having fun keeping me bottled up and frustrated. I can’t seem to get her to knock it off and just let me make a quick call.

So I get furious, and I have no choice but to go charging over to where she’s at. I’m going to throw her out of the place. And I wake up as I am furious inside, reeling from where I am at in my place to where she is at to have it out. I cannot have someone who is purposefully trying to mess me up just because she can do it for no reason other than she likes to see me sabotaged. I am furious that I would have someone like that in my place.

The meaning of this is, I am gauging the alchemical unfoldment from within myself. I am settled back watching, waiting. Suddenly I sense a shift I need to follow. I’m unable to do this because I have this other part of myself that is purposely content remaining in a trance; different perception or something, different way of looking at it. 

I had been waiting patiently for some clarity to come through and, when it did, there is this trance-like nature that won’t let go of its trance that it is in. The part of myself that feels it needs to be instantly responsive to a change in the inner flow, and act accordingly in the outer, becomes incensed and furious when this is impossible.

But this is not going to make much difference. The damage has already been done. In other words, I had to act in the moment and didn’t. All I can do is draw this part out because I cannot settle for being unable to act with conviction when the moment is right.

So, what is going on on a deeper level? I am noticing that I carry a trait within that seems to believe that I am not entitled to take the kind of spontaneous action I determine to be important. That such action is too abrupt, and to stop this sort of thing from continuing to shock the system I am being stopped and forced to confront this waywardness that just won’t let go. 

But there’s the deeper effect. Because I carry this part of myself that has preset ideas on how things need to be that when I do not get my way because the flow turns out to be other than what I had been gauging, my struggling within, that goes back and forth, has set up and established a part of myself that is unable to function in accordance with the need. 

This is something I cannot accept. I must be responsive to the perceived need at the precise moment something has shifted. Another part of me is saying, no, settle back, and take your good old time because you are not meant to be in control. This part of myself loves hanging out in a trance-like condition, as if that is just fine. I can’t stand such a poison controlling my natural nature like this and act abruptly to free myself up. 

And so then I get to looking at this more, and I look at this as a price I am paying that is outrageous. In other words, that’s the schematic now. I need to look at my sense of balance more closely because I am being abrupt with myself. If my perceived need of being instantly spontaneous is fomenting this reaction, I am missing something. 

If being like this is going to be disruptive to my need to be more at ease, then whatever it is that I also need to be paying attention to that is important for some reason, that I am not properly comprehending, I’m not noting that.

To download this file, Right Click (for PCs) or Control Click (for Macs) and Save: A Waywardness

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John: It’s funny, our dreams are twined, but I do it so differently.

Last night I was struggling because I noticed that my painful shoulder issue is related to the fact that I’m not shifting to an inner flow for the solution. There’s something on the other side that I’m not catching up with.

As a consequence, my attention to the reflection in the outer causes the shoulder imbalance. There’s a kind of peculiar mannerism in me that still holds on to that, and I’m not aware of exactly what it is.

Essentially, I could understand it if there really still was some outer approach that I needed to recognize, but I don’t think there is. Yet, with the inner trying to come through in some way, and the outer struggling to keep hold, it tears me up inside.

I notice this at night. One of the reasons I can sometimes sleep with the pain is because, deep down inside, I know that this is something that I can’t solve in an outer way, I have to solve it in an inner way. But, depending on what level of sleep I’m in, I also believe that there’s something else that I should be doing in the outer.

So there’s a contradiction, or struggle. In other words, I don’t shift into the whole like I might. This causes me to realize that I can’t keep trying to fight things, thinking that approach will work. It’s hard on my inner sensibilities when I don’t adhere to them, and that causes the physical body to have to go through a lot of anguish.

Basically, what I’m talking about is when a person chooses to set something aside, or suppress it, as opposed to dealing with it. Let’s say it’s a trauma, and it affects the body. It can cause the body to break down, or you can get blindsided in some more subtle way that could become very serious.

It shows the nature of how the inner works, and how the outer is just a reflection of that. I’ve got to be careful if I’m going to go on (outer) tangents, when I should know better in terms of the inner. The body gets beat up because, through development, the body is actually getting more sensitized, which means that my sensitization is based upon getting closer and closer to an interconnectivity. So I feel the imbalance and this is like a friction that tears away at my wellbeing – on a physical level.

If I don’t notice this contradiction, then the body can stay unconscious. But, if I start to notice the imbalances, they tear at me. That’s why getting more conscious or sensitive is actually harder on the body, because I feel that movement inside and that movement inside has to be handled, or grounded. When we become more sensitive, even what we eat is different in order to try to appeal to the subtler aspects that are afoot.

Eating like I did yesterday, ribs and a greasy pulled-pork sandwich, was taxing to the system. But what really made it taxing was I added all the popcorn to it, which is another thing that can create heartburn, and the combination set off something inside that was very painful most of the night, like something deep in the esophagus. I was getting up and eating applesauce and everything else, but I wasn’t really able to soothe it very well.

So, between the heartburn and the fact that I had no inner solution for my shoulder, i.e., still debating whether something more can be done in the outer rather than shifting it from within, I was going back and forth and in a lot of physical pain.

But it’s kind of like our friend’s example, when he says his blood pressure is down because he’s no longer taking things so seriously. And there’s truth in that.

We wreak such havoc on ourselves. I mean, sometimes I’m able to go somewhere within, to a level that knows the shoulder is part of the inner process, and I’m able to coexist with it. But when I don’t, and I still relate to something in the outer, then the shoulder pain does a number on me.

Of course, the degree I buy into an outer solution as a way of looking at any issue, is the degree to which I dull my consciousness and end up fighting against the reflection, as if that’s real. This approach with the outer is preventing me from letting go on the inner.

So I struggle, and in struggling I remain confused. I can know that everything in life works from the inner to the outer, but to truly live that is a natural knowingness that comes from this inner state of the higher self.

It’s not yet possible for me, so I tear myself down physically by over identifying with how I am, in everything, while I don’t quite acknowledge the inner presence. This contradiction just feeds the inner struggle.

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