Posts Tagged ‘internal struggle’

John: It’s funny, our dreams are twined, but I do it so differently.

Last night I was struggling because I noticed that my painful shoulder issue is related to the fact that I’m not shifting to an inner flow for the solution. There’s something on the other side that I’m not catching up with.

As a consequence, my attention to the reflection in the outer causes the shoulder imbalance. There’s a kind of peculiar mannerism in me that still holds on to that, and I’m not aware of exactly what it is.

Essentially, I could understand it if there really still was some outer approach that I needed to recognize, but I don’t think there is. Yet, with the inner trying to come through in some way, and the outer struggling to keep hold, it tears me up inside.

I notice this at night. One of the reasons I can sometimes sleep with the pain is because, deep down inside, I know that this is something that I can’t solve in an outer way, I have to solve it in an inner way. But, depending on what level of sleep I’m in, I also believe that there’s something else that I should be doing in the outer.

So there’s a contradiction, or struggle. In other words, I don’t shift into the whole like I might. This causes me to realize that I can’t keep trying to fight things, thinking that approach will work. It’s hard on my inner sensibilities when I don’t adhere to them, and that causes the physical body to have to go through a lot of anguish.

Basically, what I’m talking about is when a person chooses to set something aside, or suppress it, as opposed to dealing with it. Let’s say it’s a trauma, and it affects the body. It can cause the body to break down, or you can get blindsided in some more subtle way that could become very serious.

It shows the nature of how the inner works, and how the outer is just a reflection of that. I’ve got to be careful if I’m going to go on (outer) tangents, when I should know better in terms of the inner. The body gets beat up because, through development, the body is actually getting more sensitized, which means that my sensitization is based upon getting closer and closer to an interconnectivity. So I feel the imbalance and this is like a friction that tears away at my wellbeing – on a physical level.

If I don’t notice this contradiction, then the body can stay unconscious. But, if I start to notice the imbalances, they tear at me. That’s why getting more conscious or sensitive is actually harder on the body, because I feel that movement inside and that movement inside has to be handled, or grounded. When we become more sensitive, even what we eat is different in order to try to appeal to the subtler aspects that are afoot.

Eating like I did yesterday, ribs and a greasy pulled-pork sandwich, was taxing to the system. But what really made it taxing was I added all the popcorn to it, which is another thing that can create heartburn, and the combination set off something inside that was very painful most of the night, like something deep in the esophagus. I was getting up and eating applesauce and everything else, but I wasn’t really able to soothe it very well.

So, between the heartburn and the fact that I had no inner solution for my shoulder, i.e., still debating whether something more can be done in the outer rather than shifting it from within, I was going back and forth and in a lot of physical pain.

But it’s kind of like our friend’s example, when he says his blood pressure is down because he’s no longer taking things so seriously. And there’s truth in that.

We wreak such havoc on ourselves. I mean, sometimes I’m able to go somewhere within, to a level that knows the shoulder is part of the inner process, and I’m able to coexist with it. But when I don’t, and I still relate to something in the outer, then the shoulder pain does a number on me.

Of course, the degree I buy into an outer solution as a way of looking at any issue, is the degree to which I dull my consciousness and end up fighting against the reflection, as if that’s real. This approach with the outer is preventing me from letting go on the inner.

So I struggle, and in struggling I remain confused. I can know that everything in life works from the inner to the outer, but to truly live that is a natural knowingness that comes from this inner state of the higher self.

It’s not yet possible for me, so I tear myself down physically by over identifying with how I am, in everything, while I don’t quite acknowledge the inner presence. This contradiction just feeds the inner struggle.

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John: Yesterday I described, in the first dream, a type of perpetual motion boomerang that wouldn’t lose its force no matter where it went or what it came in contact with. Yet when I tried the process myself, with just energy, the strength of the energy diminished and became distorted.

As the second dream begins, I’m sleeping on a couch in the dining room. You’re sleeping in the bedroom on the other end of the house. Perhaps I’m only napping, but it’s evening.

While I’m deep asleep, I don’t notice that someone comes in the front door. Because no one is awake or aware, they take the rug that’s right in front of the door. I somehow sense that something has happened and I get up, in my groggy way. I look out the window in time to see a small car driving away. 

I intuitively sense that something has been violated or stolen, though at this point I don’t know what has been done. In other words, I’m not awake enough to realize that the person in the car was the culprit.

Some part of me knows and registers it, but I’m slow to put the pieces together. Then I look around and realize what has happened. What I was sensing is suddenly confirmed when I notice, “Aha, the rug that’s supposed to be there is gone!” 

I quickly look around and I’m relieved that the rug is all they took. They just did a quick snatch; they didn’t touch anything else.

I make an announcement, from where I’m standing, to you, as if you’re going to hear me from the bedroom. I make it as if you’re going to pop out of your sleep when you hear what I have to say – that we’ve been robbed while we were asleep.

Before there is any response (I haven’t gotten your attention yet), I realize even though I still am drowsy, I know that I can’t really ground my reaction, or realization, until I get your reaction. In other words, I’m reserving my reaction (masculine) because it still needs to go through you (feminine).

The way I wrote this on my note pad is this: “I’m holding back what to make out of this until I see your response. The only thing I fear is that, now that this has happened (and this is the protector, masculine way of something in a groundedness), the energy has perhaps been penetrated or pierced such that there could be a further violation if we don’t fix something about how we are.”

So the imagery of the first dream involves being trained, from within, to work in a new way in the outer – in my life. Yet when I attempt in the dream to go out on my own, to make an energetic projection into the universe, I fail to keep it from distorting and I suffer the blowback.

With the images from the second dream, I can see that I’m not realizing a type of vulnerability within me until after the fact. The image shows that I go somewhere – to sleep – and in doing so I let go of a linkage. That linkage is from the inner into the outer.

In other words, when I’m in a sleep state, I still need to be attentive all the way through. I struggle to keep up with the events that are transpiring around me when I go to sleep in this way. I am required, however, to hold both the inner and the outer simultaneously in my consciousness. Otherwise the rug can be pulled out from under me.

In the second dream, the way I work with this new energy suggests that I’m not as attentively rooted in creation as I need to be, and that makes me vulnerable to events that can blindside me.

Ultimately, the dreams are saying that I’m unable to sustain the essence of the inner – the connection to the inner – when I don’t keep it together in my outer life.

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